Dear Ivana, A letter to my 27 year old me.

Dear Ivana 

You have started this letter on your phone, in fact you’re reading it out loud instead of writing which is a little strange to say the least, but your computer is in the kitchen and you are in your bedroom. You designated the night to homework and intermediate distractions and now you’re trying to organize your time for tomorrow. Time, which seems like you don’t always have much of it, and for some reason it’s always going way too fast. However your fear of stagnancy and complacency makes you add on activities and then sometimes mourn the time that was lost. Your boyfriend just called and interrupted your flow, and reminded you that your time is shared. It is shared with work, shared with school, shared with him, shared with your family, shared with friends. And so the small moments that you get to yourself are ones that you’ve taken more notice to lately. 

I’m going to switch gears here, and talk in the I version. Things were getting a bit pretentious. I knew 26 was going to be a good year, I could feel it in my intuition, in my bones, I just knew that this 26th year was going to be special. It started off with a little bit of panic from the transition of 25 to 26, mixed with a smidge of heartache, and then continued with an amazing birthday that was followed by holidays where depression set in. There were times that were dark, and I would question “where is this good that I feel is meant for me?” Little did I know it was on the horizon.

 Today I am happy and I am grateful of where I am. Sometimes I go online, and I look at everyone else they are so good at listing their accomplishments for everyone to see. And I used to feel so impressed and jealous like “wow look at all these things people are doing.” Comparison is the thief of joy, and I have learned that the only difference between my peers and I is they have the guts to share where I don’t always put my wins out on the pedestal that they deserve to be on. Sometimes I feel like if I keep my positives to myself maybe they’ll feel more real, that yes they’re obtainable. It’s time to irradicate that self doubt and see that I too am worthy of my wins and should celebrate them, I think a lot of the positives that have happened this year I’ve been reminding myself that I deserve. I can cheer for others and I should cheer for me too.

That’s not to shade anyone else or putting one else down in fact more power to you to be able to share all the positives, I am someone who loves to write and share my life not just the lessons but the love too. 

My friends and peers have been inspiration for me whether it is a writing topic or drive to do more myself. 26 was special and I can’t deny that I’ve learned that I am incredibly strong and I am very talented. I can write my ass off, I helped open a school, I am more than just an assistant, I have big ideas and goals, I got into school The things I put my mind to  I was able to make come true. 

I am trying to write this and not think about how will be perceived. But, more so, pinch myself because 26 has meant so much to me and it will probably be one of the years I remember the most.

26 was about building security for myself and I am so grateful, I’m so grateful for my best friends and friends that I have made, I am so grateful for my job and what I’ve learned, I am so grateful for my sisters, and I am grateful to my boyfriend and the experience of falling in love and  being loved deeply and the right way

It hasn’t always been easy.  That reality gives me comfort to, so I don’t have to be under this pressure to top past experiences. I have anxiety about change because I am witnessing it happen at an exponential rate around me, I question my ability to succeed and move forward sometimes with my writing I feel like no one sees it and I am just going into the abyss. I question the decisions that I make it scares the shit out of me that I have been in my 20s for seven years now and I still don’t completely know what I’m doing. I lost a best friend and made decisions that were not always in the best of my character I still have Lows and darkness and no amount of busyness or preoccupation is going to deflect from that. 

And so when I think back to 25 and my excitement for 26 I lay here and I think about what I want for 27. For 27 I think the biggest thing that I want is peace I want that security and peace within myself to be able to go after the things that I want. I want peace within myself to be able to let go of things I cannot control. I want peace within myself to move forward in spaces that are foreign to me and still know that I have my own back. I want peace even with the dark days and peace and gratitude with the light I want to be able to accept that things are not always going to be great but that they won’t always be shitty either. I want peace and security within myself and not compare myself to others journeys just, because I get the benefit of being able to witness a fraction of it. 

I want to continue to surround myself with love, but I also want to love myself to the highest magnitude based on my experience on this earth so far 27. I want peace with change and to know that God is watching over me and he’s going to allow me to see things through. And I want peace with knowing that this life is so fragile so the best thing that I can do is try to live it to the best of my ability, and don’t be so afraid to fall. That’s not easy it sounds really good and really poetic but it’s going to take discipline and bravery and patience and confidence and those are things that I struggle with. Every day I deposit affirmations and I write in a journal and I do a video diary and all of those things are great tools and then some days I just don’t fucking feel like it. But I don’t want to look back at exasperated time.  Time where I was way too hard on myself, time that I regret things that I could’ve done differently. I don’t want to be disappointed in myself with how I’ve spent my time so I figure if I can find a way to be at peace then I’m already on my way I pray for good things for 27. I think 27 will be a good year I am hoping for more experiences that turn into memories. I am hoping for more wins, I’m hoping to experience the lows, and not let them get me as dark as they have in the past. And if for whatever reason they do, I forgive myself for that and I keep going. 27 I hope is the year that I continue to find peace and keep going

I am proud of me, I am going to keep believing in my self and try not to be afraid of getting older 

I am growing in the right direction.