That Time I Got Depressed Before The Holidays
I was apprehensive on writing this. I feel like even though my blog is all about being super personal. I didn’t want this to give off Alicia Keys “My Diary” vibes. Besides, this is a website not my journal. Most of my journal entries are full of manifestations anyway. This blog is much more juicy.
I’m stalling already. I’m writing this because I am currently in good spirits. I am sitting in my room at my dad’s house, thinking about getting up and getting a sandwich. Things feel calm now. Which is great, because a few days ago it felt as though the floor was escaping from under me. I felt anxiety and emptiness and was considering skipping out on the Holidays in general this year. I didn’t want to see anyone, or talk to anyone. I felt completely alone, and probably preferred it that way.
See I have a confession. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was a child. I was properly diagnosed at the age of 13 (that was a fun year) but I have dealt with it for as long as I remember. Times I can’t remember well are probably due to not wanting too. I think for me, growing up it was more stigma than anything. There wasn’t much empathy because, as I learned very quickly: Black women who have mental health issues are usually misunderstood. They are usually pegged as being passive aggressive, attitude, mean, crazy. There is never much of a consideration that something else could be going on. See as of now, thanks to a murderous virus that has kept us inside for the majority of a year, we are finally really paying attention to mental health. Social media is used as an outlet to express how you feel, and a reminder that you are not alone. Even though social media itself can be considered a driving force for a lot of the stress and anguish people experience. I think though, there still is this misconception of mental health, especially when it comes to people who look like they have their shit together.
See the first question always is “why?” On the outside I seem like I have pretty much everything. I am unbiased and self aware enough to admit that. Good job, loving friends, supportive family, I’m a solid 8, and there’s a few people I could actually settle down with if I stopped playing games. I don’t have anything to be depressed out. It actually is what makes this all the more frustrating. It is so much more bearable or at least understandable to be upset about something. A break up, a death, losing money. It’s terrifying when depression comes from a slight inconvenience or even more strange, when it appears from nothing at all.
See when that happens you have to accept a couple of options:
Its hereditary, someone in your family suffers and its gone on for generations
Its genetic, which means chances are you were bound to experience this
Its chemical, it really is an illness. One that can essentially kill you if not treated properly.
Wow, I can’t really believe I’m talking about this. What I realized is, growing up there were excuses I could make. School sucks, my parents are seperating. As I got older, I had to face this big gray monster that hid in the depths of my mind that would creep out when I didn’t have a reason. It would visit just because, and normally it wasn’t in any hurry to leave.
My depression is usually trigger based. There is something small, something inconvenient, something more of an ego based nuisance than anything. Usually an act that represents much more than the action itself.
This year I was excited for the holidays. I thought to myself: this is going to be a good season. I am going to be really happy. So when my depressive episode took hold on the 22nd I was more so disappointed in myself than anything. My sister asked me recently when I was the happiest this year. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve liked the age 25. 24-25 were pretty good honestly, I created this blog, I fell in love, I got a raise, I moved to a home I love, I made a lot of friends. However when I look back at 2020 I feel like the first half was pretty fire and it was about April when things hit the fan, well I’ll say June. June is when shit went left. I was living, I was growing, I was fine. However I was struggling. It was an uphill battle to find happiness and peace. I broke up with my best friend, I started figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, but discovering yourself is intimidating, doing it while you’re heartbroken can feel nearly impossible. I mean, you know the rest. I promised this wouldn’t be a diary entry. If you’ve looked back at my writing you can see there have been times I just was kind figuring my shit out. I like to think of it as we have been figuring our shit out together.
I also actively decided I wanted to change. I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to feel better. I got into therapy. See I’m not just someone who claims they want “good vibes” I actually work towards them. Finding your peace and center takes effort, it takes time, it isn’t a simple process. It requires you to dig deep within yourself. For me that meant facing some of those components that would run the risk if inviting that gray monster into my space.
A few days ago was like any other day. I woke up, I thanked God for my life, I did my affirmations, I burned sage. I got ready for the day. All with this feeling of crippling anxiety in the center of my stomach. I waited for it to pass, I just underestimated that it would take several days. I knew what was bringing it on: rejection. I met a guy a few weeks ago who I hit it off with. Extremely well. He made me laugh, he was so handsome, he seemed like a really good person. Don’t get me wrong, he is. Just because it didn’t work out with us doesn’t mean I can deny his character. The point is, I was excited about this guy. I was excited to talk to him, I lit up when I thought of him. I hadn’t felt this sliver of light at the end of the tunnel in such a long time. We talked a lot, and one weekend after hanging out our conversation slowed down. I assumed he ghosted me. The worst part was I wasn’t even upset. I expected things to not end in my favor. For him to get bored, or be uninterested. So I ended up bringing it up. I was sweet about it, I was honest, I was uprfront… and he
He did not take it well. “He told me that he was busy, and I knew that.” He had finals and was a pretty preoccupied person in general. Again I knew that. There wasn’t really any empathy or understanding for how I felt, or even a question as to why I felt that way. Long story short in so many words he told me that I didn’t listen to him and I could essentially go fuck myself. Okay that’s dramtic. He pretty much said he had low patience for weird energy and it wasn’t going to work.
As someone who is constantly vilifying and guilting herself and just hard on herself in general. I took it, poorly. Not like Fatal Attraction – I didn’t show up to his house with speakers or pretend I was his wife at his job, that’s so extreme. He had no idea how this situation or his words affected me. In all honesty I was insecure. I assumed the worst and applied pressure I shouldn’t have. That wasn’t fair, nor was it a good representation of myself. I’d been in this situation before. I had been intimate with someone and it worked out, and I’d been intimate with someone and it went to shit. I had been cursed out, ghosted, lied to. I had gone through worse situations. In hindsight I knew him for what three weeks? We hit it off, and I liked it. However this isn’t the first person that I hit it off with, and thought so highly of who I barely knew. Like Mac Miller once said “everybody means something when they’re stuck on your mind.”
It wasn’t about this guy though, not really. After having my heart treated like a boomerang for about 6 months courtesy of my ex. Constantly thrown away only for me to find a way to make it back to his careless hands. I think I was just tired. Tired of being misunderstood and rejected. Then I felt panic mixed with responsibility to make things right. I was so focused on making him feel better, making him feel like I was worth it, I completely threw away how I felt. “maybe if I …” “If I just…” “I am so…”
It just became to much. Because even though in a couple months I am not going to remember this guy’s name. In the moment I felt so, so fucking disposable. I suddenly felt like I was sitting at the bottom of the ocean and there wasn’t a single thing that could convince me to swim to the surface.
I cried a lot. Usually when these lows happen there is so much crying. I personally am a big believer in Law of Attraction. I believe you can manifest the things you want, I believe your thoughts are so powerful that they dictate most if not all of your life and universe. So when I have these moments, this bottom of the sea times, I feel even more guilty. I want to control my mind and feelings. During these times I usually don’t want to communicate with anyone. There’s only a few people who make me feel better. I turn off my phone, I hide. I don’t really eat. I curl up and I cry. I lay in the shower until I think I’m close to drowning. I watch shows that I know the endings too, or I watch shows that will make me feel better about myself, because the protagonist is going through it to. I listen to music or murder podcasts, and I think about the peace in trading places with the victims. Did I mention I cry? I drink to distract myself, I think and plot and plan on how I am going to get myself out of this feeling. I also predict how long it will last. This time I knew it would be till about the 27th and I was right. Today is the 28th and I am slowly floating out of it.
I note what is triggering to me, I’ll stay away from certain people who may cause it to get worse. I attach and appreciate the shit out of the people who make me feel sane during it. I pray that it ends sooner than later.
The thing is, I realize it is so much bigger than a boy ghosting me, or an ex who can’t make his mind up. It doesn’t really have anything to do with them, but everything to do with me. Which means essentially it is up to me to figure out how to make myself feel better. I have to push through because I don’t want to feel like there are boulders connected to my ankles. I want to be free of the dreariness, it takes to much time and effort to be sad when I could be spending that same amount of energy being happy.
I was so frustrated that this came before the holidays. I had this picture perfect experience set up in my head that all came crashing down. However as I write this I fully believe I am not the only person who experiences this. I know there are people who whether they are publicly or privately going through it, are in fact…going through it. This all too familiar feeling will resonate and make the hair stand up on their skin.
There are currently over 260 million people globally struggling with depression. I am not making that shit up, I actually did research for this piece. There are over 800,000 suicides each year, in fact suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for people ages 15-29. A couple weeks ago before shit hit the fan for me, I took the metro to my office. The train I took was delayed by about an hour because someone had jumped in front of it. The idea of someone feeling so alone that they killed themselves during a time that barely anyone would notice, because who’s traveling during a pandemic?It Rocked me. I thought to myself that person whether they knew it or not had family, a friend, someone who cared and notices that they are gone. Not only that but I thought about how large their gray monster had to be to get them to decide to do something irreversible like that. I assumed this person was going through something but what it they were just like me, what if they weren’t down on their luck, but in fact were just having this episode? They just felt like the world was crushing them and wanted to do anything to stop suffocating.
Protecting the privacy of my friends and family, I will say there are people close to me that experience this. This hole they are sucked in and don’t know how long they will be there. They do what they can to cope. I understand it. However I’m guilty of catching myself being shocked they could be feeling this way. “They have everything, they have things I want.” A mindset I realized is incredibly selfish because I in fact have no idea how they really could be feeling. We don’t know the underlying of what someone is going through. It probably is because saying it aloud is incredibly vulnerable. I struggle with posting this piece at all. What will others think of me? I don’t want pitty I want understanding. If the result is that someone ends up feeling seen with the words they read. If anything about this piece resonates with anyone, the most or least likely. Then I have done what I set out to do. Besides if no one does I’ll delete the damn article — (kidding trying to lighten the mood)
So what is it that I do to get out of these lows: I’m not sure if everyone is the same, but I realized distractions only help for a short amount of time. You can scroll through Tik Tok you can check out Instagram, you can cruise through Facebook. Most times however you’ll find yourself comparing how you feel to other’s situations. Or you’ll lose yourself in some interweb saga of another person’s life. It won’t make you feel any better, but it will pass the time. I usually check out. I go to a place that makes me feel comfortable and safe. This past week I was worried about coming home. However I am realizing how blessed I am to be here. The thing is during times like these we want to isolate. We feel like we are alone that no one really gets or understands how it feels or what we are going through. So it is almost easier to retreat. It hurts because most times I can’t necessarily describe how I feel. Every sentence sounds stupid or just, confusing the moment I say it aloud. But I know what I’m feeling. I can feel it and its very real. So I know if I can’t describe it I need to at least be around people that can help cushion. My sisters, specific friends. Some people may not hear from me, and frankly its no hard feelings, they just don’t fit what I specifically need at this time.
Rest- I sleep when I feel like sleeping, but I don’t stay in bed too long. I take a walk even when I don’t feel like it. The cool air reminds me that I am present.
Journal- I manifest no matter how silly it is, no matter how strange I feel or don’t completely believe it will come to fruition. If it is not harmful, I manifest it. I pray it comes true. I write out what I am grateful for, from something as huge as my family to as light as the ability to breath oxygen into my lungs. I write all my thoughts the ones I am okay with and the ones I’m a little bit ashamed of.
Video record- I turn on my camera and I talk to myself, I cry, make jokes, talk shit. Whatever the case may be I chat away. I face myself and give myself advice, I tell myself how much I love me, I remind myself things are going to be okay
Therapy- I cannot stress enough how important a therapist is. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may help. Your parents will do the best they can. Your friends will be as supportive as needed, but you deserve a professional someone who doesn’t know your life who isn’t in it, who knows how to listen and read and talk to you. You deserve that solid hour to talk and talk and talk. They will help you get through. I love my therapist, not in a creepy the beginning of the 6th sense way, but I appreciate her I appreciate the strides and the goals and our success. The highs and the lows of the sessions. It’s one of my most valuable relationships because it is helping me get to the best version of myself.
Pray- I am not sure what you believe in. However prayer works, at the very least you feel so much less alone. Talking to God reminds me that this too shall pass. It reminds me that the things I worry about are minuscule because I am protected and loved by a higher power
Anything that makes me feel good- I hang with friends, I eat, I watch stupid television, I watch funny movies, I hug my mom or any loved one. I go for a drive, I grab a drink, I play a game.
I don’t stay still for long. Here’s the thing. You can be sad you can be down, you can feel disappointed, but this episode isn’t going to last for long. It isn’t going to overpower you unless you let it. So go through it now, feel it, experience it, talk to someone about it. But make sure your end goal is to get out of the funk you have found yourself in. I promise you it’s possible. I promise you will.
Lastly, I know it’s easy to harp on the negative. This whole shit exploded because some 25 year old ghosted me. However, things happen for a reason. People and situations occur, and its okay. This isn’t the worst of it, and if it is more power to me for getting through. But the thing is I will get through.
And so will you.
