What are your non-negotiables?
Alexa, play Bankrupt Cuban Doll
I don't know if you've ever been on a metro platform in Washington DC in 20 degree weather, but it sucks. It is the worst, maybe only half a notch better than waiting for New Jersey Transit train in Dover, New Jersey, or like waiting for the Amtrak at 5:00 in the morning in Wilmington, DE. Like it might beat that, but barely. When I get off the metro I immediately play a podcast and I just walk to the nearest, most likely not working, escalator. So as Rhode Island Ave metro stop pulled up I hopped off the train and began to walk briskly home. I was only several steps into the long crowded aimless group line when I heard, a young woman yelling at the top of her lungs. Trust me you are here on the right day, this is not a true crime case although a crime was committed. The crime of another woman having her time wasted. This girl was sitting on one of the concrete slab excuses, for a bench staring into her phone that was laying flatly in front of her yelling “fine I won’t tell you again, since you don’t want to do right” “you’re really doing this?” and other variations of that. As I got closer I realized she wasn't so much in danger as she just looked bat **** crazy. She was on FaceTime with some man, essentially begging him to do right. As I walked past her and turned my headphones up to mind my damn business, I thought one thing: sister I feel you and I've been there. I'm not sure what her outcome is going to be, she looked young so I don't think that this is the forever guy, but I have to say that it is so frustrating and triggering to see someone go through the same BS you used to put up with.
Growing up my father made sure our rooms were clean, his intimidation was the cause of a lot my anxiety. It was his way of being an authoritative figure, although he was home minimally, and I don't think the man could handle a day in the military. However, as I got older I found peace in having my space and room clean. He instilled in me this routine of waking up making the bed, and making sure your space was tidy. And though his way of going about it was utter chaos, It made sense. I felt immediately calmer when my space was clean. Now of course we could get into the weeds of how that has to do with him and my childhood experience, but this is not a piece about daddy issues OK? Come back later for that. As I've gotten older I noticed that my sense of control has manifested in making sure my home is clean and I feel at ease. I can't control what Rhonda in accounting is going to say to me at work that day, and I can't control whether I'm going to completely stumble over my words in my grad school class, I definitely cannot control whether or not I'm going to trip on the same freaking curb right outside of my building as I rushed to work. However I can control whether my home and place of peace is tidy.
I realize in my most recent relationship that a tidy home is a non-negotiable for me. It's small in comparison to other obvious non negotiables, don't be abusive, don't be * ****. But it's important because as my boyfriend and I have become more domesticated I did not realize how much I needed my space to be cleaned. It was after the 3rd load of laundry and picking up shorts off the floor and putting a dish away from the sink I realized, huh I might be a little bit anal and he might be a little bit lax on the tidiness in our home. I also realized, by the scowl on the face and me muttering under my breath that I am absolutely turning into my mother. It was between playing house and making this niggas bed and mine that I realized we needed to have a serious discussion. Before we started basically cohabitating, I should have made it clear that I can be a little uptight about a space being clean. This does not mean that he doesn't have good hygiene, or is a complete mess. But what it does mean is that I am very anal about how I keep my space. Before it didn’t matter, because most of my other relationships I didn't spend the amount of time that I am spending with him. I've never really lived with someone I was dating before. Sleepovers every night, do not compare either sis. Just because he comes to your house every night and leaves at 7:00 in the morning, that's not cohabitating. When you go to work and you come back and that man is on the couch because he gets to work from home that is when you are cohabitating. You are both using a space evenly. The person is no longer a guest, but a partner. I realized that a non-negotiable for me was making sure that our space was always decently clean. As time has gone by I know that I have had to make some compromises, I cannot act like the world is going to burn in an instant if there are still dishes in the sink. He also has had to learn to maneuver and know things that I like, so the bed to be made if he wakes up after me, or the kitchen counters being wiped down after use. When he's really trying to put me in a good mood he knows to have those candles lit by the time I'm home.
With trial and tribulation communication and understanding we are making our way to figuring out the ideal living situation for the both of us. And it makes me happy that we talked about our non negotiables when we first started dating, because it made me come to terms with the ones that I already had and as our relationship has matured I identified a couple that I didn't realize were just as important.
Non negotiables are expectations you have in a relationship that you are not willing to have wavered. If you have a more negative aspect of looking at it, you can say dealbreakers. Things that you are likely to break up a relationship over. The reason why there are so many situationships, a topic I honestly am getting tired of talking about so frequently, is because people do not know or list their non-negotiable's. In the beginning of their relationship. I think about my girlfriends that are still putting up with niggas doing the bare minimum even though they themselves are pushing 30. You mean to tell me you’ve been crushing on men for half your life at this point and you still can’t figure out what you deserve? This is why you need to really know yourself before you get into a serious relationship. You cannot have someone else define your non negotiables for you.
Non negotiables help create healthy boundaries. They prevent you from getting with fuckniggas who’d probably cross all of them. They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but when you set you're non-negotiables you separate the Flounder from the Branzino. Your non-negotiables say that this is what you expect in a relationship because it's what you're willing to give. It's your way of expressing this is how you want a person to meet you halfway. These should be realistic to your lifestyle. So for example, if you make under $70,000 a year please don't have your non-negotiable be that you expect a designer bag and a new car every birthday. I've made that at one point and I couldn't afford a bag and a car ever year, nor could I give to someone else. However a fair non-negotiable could be that you want to date someone who may make more than you, or that you would like to date someone who acknowledges and puts an effort into holidays and your birthday. Also, I don't think that all women do that, I'm not taking a page out of any Alpha Male podcast ever, but sometimes I do believe that we get a little wrapped up in what we see on social media, including the Holiday Inn hotel bed covered in Louis Vuitton bags, or the stack of money wrapped around roses and we just kind of assumed that every single couple should be doing that or that there's something wrong with us if we haven't experienced it. There's different strokes for different folks and everyone's relationship is unique. However what I can agree, is that what most of us all want and in a relationship is respect, love, and effort. And our non negotiables should surround that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting certain things that fit your lifestyle and preference. If you want to be with someone of a certain stature, if your non negotiable is they have to be 6 feet tall then that may lessen the pool of men, you may end up making a compromise on something else, but make your decision based off of the negotiable that you have to meet. In that same sense make them realistic, be able to stand in what your non-negotiables are because you stand in who you are as a person. Even Santa Claus wasn't just giving gifts out for free, the MF at least needed you to have a requirement to make it to the Nice list. What are things that you know you stand on where you would be an equal partner?
Most people who ask for their rent to be paid, or their car note covered, have that as their non-negotiable because they to bring things to the table. And same thing with men, because I know a few if you read this blog, if you are asking for a woman to cook and clean and do all that maternal *** **** the very least that you can do is make sure you are giving her a reason to be submissive. That word is so gross, but why the hell should I work 8 hour days and then come home and cook and clean and take care of Jill Lil and Phil while you sit your ***** on that couch? You have got to give me a reason that you are an equal partner and someone that I would build with for me to respect your non negotiables. Whether it is you have a job that you're passionate about, or you don't mind being the person that takes care of the house, as long as I'm the breadwinner. We meet each other equally and our non-negotiables fit in our lifestyle that we plan to share.
With that being said non negotiables aren't always so black and white. Mine are simple, a healthy relationship with your family I'm not dating no nigga who isn't speaking to his momma. Some sort of ambition, whether it's for a job or side hustle they would like to make a job, they've got some sort of goal. Emotionally available, patient, good hygiene, and does not yell—we don’t raise our voice in this household sweetie. I'd also like the person to make around what I make or more. I know I like to go out, I wanna go on a couple trips, I want to go on a couple dates, when we live together I'm one of those women that don't mind splitting the rent, yeah I said it don't come for me. With that being said I personally don't see myself dating anyone that makes less than me I've also experienced it before, and there was nothing fun about crying on my own couch while this stupid idiot stared at me in the face trying to figure out how the hell he was going to pay for his Uber home.
I asked my boyfriend what his non negotiables were, he’s a pessimist so he called them deal breakers: he said no ugly feet (I have baby toes, so I don’t know about that one Mr.Quinton Terrentino) his mom has to like the person, attractiveness, and intelligence.
These were pretty basic and we checked off eachother’s boxes. Sometimes your non negotiable don't fit the build of someone that you may be interested in. I have a friend who is dabbling in polyamory. And he finds that a lot of the women that he is attracted to and dating are taking a more monogamous route. His non-negotiable is the ability to date multiple people, and so it is his responsibility to be clear about that with the other women he is seeing. Side Note: polyamourous, should not be Fit and Fresh podcast for: single to him taken to others. Actually while we're on the topic 'cause it's on my spirit, if you're non negotiable is that you do not date a certain race, you are racist or have some internal healing that you need to do. Or if your non-negotiable includes putting someone else down like if your prefer a smaller framed person but you need to put down a bigger person to express that, you deserve to be single you suck. I actually have a really eerie feeling that my ex boyfriend secretly listens to the Fresh and Fit podcast, they just sound too similar and he and that main guy Myron Gaines look alike down to the same balding patch. I don't blame them for hating women either, when my ex told me he was balding I didn't react well. Matter of fact that's in my non-negotiable you can't lose your hair before 35 years old 'cause what the **** was you or your ancestors stressing over? Maybe if you didn't put down black women so much and you weren't worried about what the hell we had going on you wouldn't have to wear fitteds all the time.
But back to polyamory, I believe polyamory can work, but your pool of options may be slimmer than someone who would prefer monogamy, it's just how our westernized culture works. Also I notice there are people, both men AND women who would like to be Polyamorous but want their partners to only see them, honey that's just greed. This is why it's important to list your non negotiables in the beginning because not everyone agrees on the same things. There may be people who want to be with someone who has never been married before, or don't have children, if you know you don't fall in that category that's OK because there are plenty of people out here and just because the box gets narrower does not mean that it becomes nonexistent.
I learned the older someone gets the more difficult it is to change them, and relationships are not Build-a-Bear, it shouldn't be your responsibility to teach someone a bunch of new things so that they can be well equipped for the next person, usually that's kind of how life happens right like 23 year old Ivana was really sexy but emotionally insane, whereas 27 year old Ivana is still sexy but a lot healthier. It's important to stick to your guns, and really stand by what you believe in. Don't fold because you really like this guy, or because they fit certain attributes that you like, if not all. Non-negotiable's is not about building the perfect partner, it's being with someone that's going to bring out your healthiest self. So ask your partner or potential partner, ask them in the beginning, and tell them yours before emotions and sex, because I know you wanna have it, comes into play. Do some soul searching and really decide what yours are. When you set the tone you narrow your options and get closer to what you're looking for, which will save you a lot of heartbreak, wasted time, and get you in the direction of meeting someone that could really make you happy.
