What to Do When You Feel Invisible

I am the perfect person to go missing. Or disappear. This isn’t a cry for help, or a dark twisted manifestation I have created. It is simply fact.

I constantly tussle between being completely forgettable and having an eerie spotlight on myself, or as others would refer to it, needed.

I am the person in the group chat whose message is often unacknowledged till days later. I am the person you call if you need a loan, not necessarily because you want to call to chat. I am the person in the clique that is usually called last – a “just thought you should know” I teeter between being overly depended on or not noticed at all. I am both the life of the party and the person fumbling on her phone at the event with little to say. My best friend from high school is my boyfriend, and I didn’t stay in a college group, any group I am a part of now I feel like I’m still .. unknown or aloof, or it’s my fault they don’t know me enough. Like I am destined to be someone who fades out in a vat of smiling unmemorable blur.

Maybe in my past life I asked to be an enigma and misspoke.

I can imagine my candlelight vigil. A mix of tears from those who were entertained by me and those searching to mourn something, I am liked well enough to have a decent turn out.

I think it’s why I obsess over those missing or murdered, I would like to think people would put effort in hoping I’m found. But most times I feel so muddled in the background of people’s lives I am not sure.

I find peace in the darkness, that I can’t be the only person feeling this way. The only person who feels like their past choices has determined they will continuously be a mirage in a sea of souls that others encounter with and connect with just enough but not too much.

I spend a majority of my time in a daze, thinking about pieces I will write. Usually when I am distracted it blocks from the sinking feeling in my stomach. Whenever I am wrapped back into reality it has to mainly do with my boss calling me – an otherwise detached person who’s silent presence seems to be comforting enough to be called upon. Although often my name being called is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard.

This morning on my way into work after a panicked call from my boss, a nervous nosy text from my co worker, and an interruption from reading my book t(he only moment I find any sense of peace in my daily 9-5) -- my father called. I answer because despite the toxicity, he’s the one person I can guarantee loves me the most in the world, besides he is my father. It was to check in ask 50 questions only to ultimately need something and decide to ask me later.

 I made it to the office for it to ironically begin pouring. Leaving my home to do a job that can be done at home. Fuck you covid for the blatant reminder of that. My boss unable to print a document or make a phone call, an otherwise vegetable that makes me worried about being a mother due to my lack of empathy.

I spend the better half of my morning as a human teddy bear, when I realized just how unhappy I am. Ghostly mainly.

Most times I write about positive affirmations and how you have to keep pushing

But today outside of feeling as though I simply may rip in half. I decided to just embrace how I feel instead of forcing myself to fix it.  Usually I would rush to reach out to a friend, or guilt myself into feeling like I personally am not doing enough, go over the times that I could have been a better friend, lover, co worker, daughter, person.

I decided though that if I wallow only for a little bit I can face it better. I don’t think I am the only person who struggles with feeling like they don’t have many friends, or that they could be further professionally, or that their existence is fleeting if anything.

I decided that if I feel this way, I can address instead of accept it. I have this feeling --- among others, that 1. Someone has put a spell of sorts on me, and more realistically, I know these are feelings that I have struggled with before. At 15, 21, 26 and I am sure I’ll feel them in my 30s as an established writer and 40s seeing my kids off to high school in my large house while my husband is off to work multiple shifts at a hospital.

I may always have this imposter syndrome mixed with loneliness that teeters between debilitating and apparent. It’s okay to say “fuck this” and really just kind be in your bag. But you can’t be for long, I realized that a while ago. Because if you are you lose all sense of reality and purpose, and then you hit the core that lives comfortably beneath rock bottom. So, feel how you feel but allow your attention to it to be simply temporary.  I realize how I feel is 40% reality and 60% in my head, or the other way around I am not really sure most of the time.

So to get through the day, in between fake smiles with the delivery man at my office, and pleasantries with the woman who works at the front desk, I decide to note the things that make me happy and those who make me feel seen. I decided to do the 5 method.

This probably already exists and has been mastered by some guru named Star or Socrates. I decided to create my own twists. I used to do 5 things I am grateful for, good at, and want to manifest. Those are great prompts for the morning. But this version is a little less expectancy and pressure rising. It’s simple 5 people,5 places, and 5 things I value today. I gave myself 5, because if I can choose 5 I can survive.

-       The most recent is my coworker Ron, helping my unpack boxes and place them around the office, carrying hanging folders to various desks and standing next to me while I unpack a snack box for the office to share. He made me laugh twice and that was 2 times more than the amount I expected today.

-       My boyfriend Sirron, who has had the ability to see me and stand by me and make me feel that above all things I matter.

-       Sage a best friend who has seen probably all my flaws and holds the majority of my secrets because out of anyone I think she may actually get me the most – brain wise.

-       Melissa my co worker who I look up to an insane amount and anytime she agrees with my opinion I get a Flutter in my stomach

-       Tevin one of my best friends who probably checks in the most. A friendship that if all others were choice, his is destined

-       My boss, who told me I was wonderful today – despite all that’s occurring in his world, still finds time to value me

-       Finally my dad, because today like every day he calls

 who are your 5 people? They can be major or they can be small. but acknowledging them helps acknowledge you. 

5 things I value are simple:

-        My rainboots

-       my simple black bun in my hair

-       my rings that move beautifully when I type

-       the book I am currently reading that helps me get lost

-       my tattoo on my back that looks pretty with my black off the shoulder top

5  places they help my mind escape and remind me I have somewhere to go

-       my apartment which I cannot way to escape to at the end of my work day

-       City Center a shopping center in DC I will be visiting later today

-       The Rusty Bucket a bar in Columbus Ohio that I may visit when I go for work on Wednesday. I like sitting there and people watching and getting to eat an entire meal without feeling judged

-       The balcony in my office, that’s indoor you can see all other levels of the office building and you have to speak low enough to avoid echoes when talking privately.  

-       Home: New Jersey, more specifically my sisters bedroom that doubles as a guest bedroom, with soft carpet and new smelling paint from the recently renovated room. I cannot wait to be there watching tv, eating snacks, and resting my leg after my sisters and I get tattoo

If I can keep these things in my mind, I can make it through the day. I am sorry I don’t have a more delightful post, or something funnier. In fact, it is the reason I made 2 posts, one to make you laugh and the other to… to be a little honest with myself and whoever reads this, so that maybe in allowing myself to feel less lonely I can make someone else feel a little more seen.  

Now when you’re done, when you make it through this day I need you to listen very closely:

You need to plan. And you need to  ask yourself “what the fuck do you have to lose?” you’re gonna feel bad or low anyway, so you might as well plan—and not like a mass murder or anything DC Sniper vibes, I mean actually plan for things to get better.

Address those who need to be addressed

Plan for the new job

Plan to work out

Plan to change your look

Write down the plan. And act on it.

Because it can go both up or down from here. Your choice.