The Audacity: The Intentions Are Real. Watch Out For These Dating Red Flags

I was watching the Love Is Blind Reunion party and I thought to myself: That gorgeous interracial couple Lauren and Cam, the goals, the perfect pair…. are kind of irritating. They are the type of couple who’s relationship description is similar to one in a 60-Minutes segment about a double homicide. I know dark, but follow me for a minute, why is it that when a person gets into a healthy relationship they have achieved some unattainable accomplishment and now know all the answers? They suddenly have the ability to give sympathy to others who aren’t in a relationship? I mean give me a break, you didn’t climb fucking Mount Everest you just got a man. 

Don’t get me wrong Lauren and Cam are a beautiful couple. I love the way Cam treats Lauren, and I loved Lauren on the show. She has also done amazing for her career, she is smart and driven and best of all, she is kind. I just get tired of people getting the ultimate kudos for doing what you’re supposed to do in a relationship. Like is the bar really set in hell? Before a tv show Lauren and Cam were just like the other 50.2% of Americans: Single. Their story though beautiful, doesn’t make them the Dr. Phil of Romance. 

It isn’t entirely their fault though; we gave them this title. We took the surface of what we saw in their relationship and ran with it. So I want to be clear, even though I get the best feedback when I talk about love and dating. I am no expert, and most of the advice I give comes from my failure in love. What I am trying to say is, yes me getting into a healthy relationship is wonderful but it doesn’t mean that I did anything better or beat some odds or have more value than the next person.

I haven’t changed nor do I know all the answers the only improvement my relationship has given society, is in my own life. I’m much less bitchy these days. The purpose of finding a partner is for yourself not for other people. It’s not for Instagram, it’s not for LinkedIn, it’s not for your YouTube channel that’s going nowhere, (put the tripod down you should have started that shit in 2014.) It is for yourself. 

So as you scroll through social media and you see relationship goals, or worse single people teaching you ways to date: I want you to consider your last relationship, your old fling, think back to those red flags. Think about things that you want, attributes you admire, use those as the way to guide you through dating. Because bitches like Lauren, Me, and @loveguru34 don’t have all the answers, we just sound like we do. 

So as I watched people pine over Cam and Lauren and “ugh how do I get there sis” them to death. I thought to myself, “Honey, you already know.” It’s about making smarter decisions, trying not to repeat the same mistakes and having a little bit of self-awareness.

That’s it end of the blog. Till next time…

Kidding – 

You have all the answers, so instead of me making this incredibly full of myself surface post about how to keep a man by “feeding him, fucking him, and letting him hang with his friends” I want to go through some of the past red flags I missed which brought me nothing but therapy sessions, and anxiety driven weight loss.

Before I get into the red flags you should watch out for, I want you to note something:  People have the audacity. More specifically niggas. Men I should say, (because I plan to post on LinkedIn and I need to do better promoting of my PG work.) MEN have the audacity!

I watched a TikTok video the other day of a young woman crying about how she “played hard to get, then gave in, then became more sexual to keep the man, then got left” and honestly there is a lot of things wrong with that mindset, but I want to tell you something that you need to hear: playing hard to get doesn’t matter if a man thinks all women are obtainable.

You ever wonder why a man on the street will catcall a woman who looks like Melyssa Ford? Because he doesn’t give a damn. Men will shoot their shot at anyone, because what exactly do, they have to lose? Any man who doesn’t think like that is probably an extreme incel and hates all women. Most men, think that a woman is obtainable, and that some just take more effort than others. And here’s the thing.. that’s not a bad way to look at it. This doesn’t mean women are easy, it just means that men have confidence, and the effort lies with whom they are willing to put in the work.

 I wish I thought like that more often, I tell you one thing.. if I did I would have shot my shot at pro-athletes and artists alike. I would probably be living in a different state, and I most likely would be making 6 figures already.

As I watched the video, I turned to my boyfriend and asked “is this true? Do men know what they’re doing when they wait and then switch up” and he replied “yea” 

He wasn’t snitching or anything, but I realize I never really had anyone be that upfront with me. Not my dad, not really my guy friends, the one person who was going to tell me is the person who wasn’t doing it to me, but knew.. it was 100% percent possible. So I want you to take that into consideration, people know what they are doing when courting or getting to know you. No one is that oblivious to their actions. And the reason why? Because they’re getting something out of it. Maybe it’s the time they spend with you, your friendship, your favors, your sex. 9/10 if you are a good person, there is some benefit. 

There are several red flags to avoid getting your heart stomped on. And before you can meet “Mr. Right” or whatever bullshit you want to call it. I want you to be released from the shackles of Mr. Wrong:

1.    Red Flag #1  “Go with the flow” - If he is telling you that he simply wants to go with the flow, and take things a day at a time.. flow your ass up out the door. Cause guess what? Those days add up and one day you’ll wake up and realize you’ve been dealing with the same person for nine months and have nothing to show for it. Other than what? A few pregnancy scares and the realization that you can never add him on as your emergency contact. Going with the flow is only necessary if you just want dick, and even then that’s a stretch. Going with the flow is only effective when you’re on a shrooms trip, other than that it’s a lazy ploy to not give or receive any expectations from a potential partner

2.   Red Flag #2  If you’re talking for more than 3 months – but you haven’t established anything but a “bond” .. run. Miss. Mammas, that’s a long time for someone to not know if they want to commit or not. Listen, for a society that loves labels we run from labeling while dating. Why is that? Fear mostly. After three months, you at least are beginning to have a feel for the person you are romantically involved with. Both of you should have decided by now where you see this going, and what aspect of each other’s lives you’d like to be in. If he can’t make you his girlfriend, it’s probably because he isn’t ready for one or already has one. I’m sorry sis, but a bond is an adjective. I have a bond with my dogs, my friends, my favorite Doja Cat song. However a bond is aa description of a feeling.  I am not saying you all have to be in love but I’m saying you have to at least know what you are doing after 3 months, anything longer than that.. that man just enjoys your company.

3.   Red Flag #3  If they aren’t good at communicating – If he doesn’t really like to call or text back, or if he seems super busy (in the middle of a pandemic. Yea ok.) something is off. That whole “I’m busy” shit is cap. Listen, my phone is good for three things: 1. Watching Netflix on the go, 2. Writing in my notes section, and 3.Being on tiktok. However I am very aware that when I get a text or call the point is to RETURN IT OR ANSWER IT. Think about a super amazing opportunity to be happy and fulfilled, now imagine that opportunity texting or calling, would you ignore it or take days to respond? No. so it’s the same when dating someone. Even if a person is working, they should be able to clearly express them being busy, but you’ll hear from them later. Or call you to check in. Hell they could even take the initiative to schedule a time to hang out to make up for the lack of communication. Something that shows they are interested in spending time with you. If this guy isn’t doing that, then honestly he may not be that interested.  There are 24 hours in a day and Beyonce still found time to argue with JayZ while recording Lemonade. This man has time to check in, text or call. Don’t be fooled. If you accept this behavior, you run the risk of being addicted to half ass effort. So, when he does do something decent it seems extraordinary. Honey if your end goal is flowers and gifts on the bed as a surprise, you are damn sure are not on your way if you can’t even get a text back.

4.   Red Flag #4  If they got out of a relationship less than 5 months ago -  Need I say more? One time I hooked up with a guy and when we were finished I asked when he last relationship was, he said “3 months ago” I packed my things and asked to go home. Its hard to process a relationship ending, and most times, men take longer, because it takes them a while  to acknowledge how they feel. Don’t end up the collateral of someone trying to let go of the loss of someone else.

5.   Red Flag #5  If they are separated- Don’t date them until that divorce is final sis.

6.   Red Flag #6  If they don’t talk about you to their family - After a certain amount of time, if you are still a ghost to moms. The relationship is irrelevant. I should know, one time I dated this guy, and he would literally be on facetime with his family, and not put me on the camera. I can’t believe I even typed this. How embarrassing. I ended up dating him for a year, actually I will do you one better, I ignored red flag 4 and 5. Listen, if you’ve been together for a few months and you’re still an enigma to his family and he isn’t estranged from them (which is an entire other red flag in itself) block him. My current boyfriend is extremely private, but he still knew the importance of at least familiarizing his family to my existence because he saw a future with me. I am not saying you need to meet every guy you dates family, but the ones you see a considerable future with? Yea Mamma should know you exist.

7.  Red Flag #7  If they literally say they aren’t ready – Even if their actions show they are. LISTEN THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN NUMBER 1. Its so many of us that literally are told “I don’t want a relationship” “I can’t be your boyfriend” “you’re not my girl” and convince ourselves that is means the opposite. Don’t be delusional my love. It isn’t your job to convince him to do right by you. Even if you do, it may take so long that you end up resentful of all the work you put in. Believe a person when they say no, because for one reason or another it just isn’t a fit. Even if you do all the couple things. Go out on dates, smash, maybe he does favors for you like putting items together in your apartment, or carrying your packages up the stairs. Even if he gets jealous which—duh he likes you why would he want to share you. All of that is well and dandy but if he isn’t able to view you as a partner, and he vocalizes that **whispers in sorry bitch** believe him.

8.  #Red Flag #8  If they’re life isn’t completely together – you can fix him sis but you can’t keep him. Scratch that, you can’t even really fix him.  Most times by the time he’s fixed he will move onto someone who wouldn’t accept anything less.

9.   Red Flag #9  If it’s just really fucking complicated for no reason – if you’re editing a simple text to him like it’s a thesis, let it go this man is not the one. You shouldn’t be literally losing your lunch at the thought of what to say to him. You shouldn’t be arguing and then happy when you all make up, only to told your breath for another heartbreak. If you’re struggling before the relationship has even truly begun that’s a tell-tale sign that being in a relationship isn’t going to make things easier. If you can’t get it together now deep down no matter how much he ‘likes you’ your differences may not work. 

Listen I have so many more, and I probably could write a post on each red flag. Honestly maybe I will, the point is, take these into consideration before taking the plunge into a pool of heartbreak.