How To Not Feel Obligated To Do Something You Really Don’t Want To Do

Are you a grade A people pleaser? I mean do you literally get anxiety at the thought of being an inconvenience? Do you give people the over benefit of the doubt? Do you say yes to things even when they inconvenience you? Do you internally wince when you agree to do something but get the slight satisfaction at making someone else happy? Do you find validation in other people’s benfit? 

Are you doing anything currently that makes you unhappy? Do you feel this pressure and responsibility to other people that no one is giving you, but for some reason you experience anyway? 

If so welcome to the club, you’ve got an obligation issue. And it is really difficult to say no. Now I know people think in your 20s you figure life out and when you turn 30 its like boop I am a grown ass person and I really don’t need to ever worry about feeling these insecure ways again. However the truth is we can go an entire life time feeling obligated to do things we don’t want to, if we don’t acknowledge and cut the bad habit once we are aware of it. 

Like you’re life is one long Verizon contract. 

I am a person who struggles with the satiation of saying no, but completely reaps the benefits of it later. 

I don’t feel good telling someone no, I often feel like I am letting them down, or they won’t be there for me, or I’m a bad person. My mind spirals and to avoid that knotted feeling in my stomach. I end up saying yes and partaking in activities that make me constantly glance at the clock. 

Not saying no has gotten me into a lot of uncomfortable positions but to name a few: 

Stuck in Martha’s vineyard on a family trip….not with my family

Being way to hungover

Eating when I am not hungry 

Being late to work because I was out to late the night before 

Losing out on important me time 

Missing out on shows 

Missing events I wanted to attend because I felt like I had to attend something else 

Anxiety

Loss of peace of mind

Depression

Regret 

Resentment 

Need I go on? See, I understand why it is hard to say no. If you’re anything like me you grew up with some sort of responsibility. Whether it was to your siblings, or helping your mom or dad, maybe you started working early in age. Maybe you are co-dependent and don’t necessarily realize it. When you are conditioned to be there for other people you aren’t really accustom to doing what you want or what’s best for yourself. Your worth is not based on your availability  or obligation. Living in fear that if you don’t commit to everything doesn’t lead you to a more fulfilling life, it just results in an exhausting one. 

I am currently on my way home from a work trip to Ohio. It was a 2 day trip and I have been here since Wednesday. Usually there are about 3-4 coworkers at a time who go on the trip but this time it was just my boss and I. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my boss, he is sweet and caring and truly wants the best for me which is very rare. He has entrusted a lot with me in general and more specifically our current project. However, I acknowledge that though my boss and I are close it is incredibly important for me to set boundaries between the two of us when it comes to work trips. 

And before your interest in this piece becomes more intrigued, let be clear: this isn’t about to get Harvey Weinstein meets Clarence Thomas. See my boss, is kind, and wholesome and an all around good person. He loves his job. More importantly he loves works trips, see when you do what you love and you get to go somewhere its like a vacation from your vacation. He is easily 40 years older than me but on trips he has so much energy. It is his time to socialize and let his hair down a bit. Which means my boss, loves to go to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And the two of us get along, which means most time my company is both welcomed and expected. I learned years prior that it was imperative that I set boundaries, and that it is completely okay to say no if I don’t want to do something. Especially not during work hours. It took me a while, and sitting through dinners where I was tired or bored to learn its okay to want my own me time. 

Saying no is only personal – to you. Its your ability to say “hey I don’t really want to do this I’d rather do something else” and that has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you and that’s okay. So on this particular trip it was just the two of us, usually its easier to say no because I have the excuse of going out with other coworkers, or more than one person is declining. However this time there was more pressure for me to be honest. And…. To be honest, I failed. I didn’t really mind however, he’s good company and I knew it made him happy hanging out. But I did note it was a lot of one on one time, and by our last dinner which included a client, I was burned out. I realized I could have been honest because my boss is understanding, and in the future it was up to me to be clear on things I would like to do and things I wouldn’t really like to do. 

On future trips I would plan to go with a group, so I don’t feel as guilty when I decline plans. I would mention when I was tired or had evening plans in leu of feeling obligated, and above all, I would remind myself that my boss will be okay if I decide not to go out for lunch or dinner, because he isn’t forcing me to do anything, he’s offering to be nice. 

Most times when people invite or include you in something it’s because they enjoy your company or get some sort of benefit from you being apart of something. The ball is completely in your court on whether you want to take them up on that offer. Whether it is going to dinner, a friends birthday party, helping a person move, going on a trip, checking out a museum, dog sitting for a neighbor, checking out a movie, helping a classmate study, the list goes on.. whether invitation or request it is your decision not obligation to partake in the activity. 

You aren’t thought of less if you say no, or decline. And any person who cuts you off because you don’t want to do something – isn’t someone that needs to be in your life intimately anyway. Every person has a right to decide the capacity they would like to partake in another person’s life. I used to get anxiety unfollowing people on Instagram who follow me, or just unfollowing in general. I would feel like my writing wouldn’t get views, or this person is going to have hurt feelings, but I had to remember I barely notice when people I follow unfollow me, and maybe just maybe our character in eachother’s story is done and there isn’t really any use to keeping up with the person. 

We are consistently evolving with people in our lives and the best thing about it is you get to choose how much value you put into certain relationships. It’s hard to decipher who and what is for you when you feel obligated to everyone and everything most times you run the risk of flaking because you are so burnt out. Something I was amazing at in the 6-10th grade, and still dabble in every so often. At the last minute I get the guts to say ‘actually I don’t want to do this thing I’ve agreed to’ and find some elaborate scheme to get out of it. The problem isn’t the not going, it’s the choosing to not go last minute, that’s how you stop getting invited to shit. 

There may be times where you find you do something that you don’t want to do but have already said yes too. In that case, you may ask yourself how much the person who requested your attendance means to you. Sometimes it is the luck of the draw and you have to make sacrifices to be a good friend.

 For example, I was invited out for a friend’s get together and deep down I would have preferred other plans I was invited to instead, a basketball game with courtside seats. (Or my number 1 plan – sitting at home alone smoking a joint and watching Manifest.) However my first friend asked me a well week in advance, shed been planning the event forever, and I knew if we were in switched positions she would attend mine.  My other friend asked me to go to  the game after and I already accepted my first invitation. Even though the game was much more  enticing I couldn’t cancel. There’s a difference between feeling obligated and being selfish. Both plans sound fun, and I’d make the most out of the one I had already accepted. You want to make sure you are a person of your word, whether that is an agreement to do something or not. And usually things work out the way they should in the end anyway. 

Listen, you’re not a bad person or friend or siblings or employee if you set boundaries. If you don’t want to do something, if you don’t want to go out, if you don’t want to partake in an activity it isn’t the end of the world. It is not your responsibility to be the nurturer of someone else’s feelings or emotions. It is however your job to communicate and be responsive. You don’t want to run the risk of coming off as a flake, that’s what gets you uninvited to the parties, not saying no because of other obligations or lack of interest, but because you don’t show at the last minute. 

Find comfort in knowing that the show must go on. That even though your missed or you canceled the plans, the person you said no too, ultimately figured something else out. 

And 

THAT IS OKAY

Your peace of mind is important, so its okay to say no and sometimes you have too say it more than once, or the delivery has to be particular, but the point is you are saying no.

So here are a couple ways that you can say no that allows you to be in the clear: 

1.     No thank you 

2.     That sounds really fun! But I already have a prior commitment (or plans) let’s shoot to schedule to get together during this month, what days are you free?

3.     No thanks, maybe next time. I am so tired and I’m taking this time for me

4.     That sounds like a good time but I don’t think it is something I’d specifically be into, but take pics I’d love to see how it goes

5.     I’m good, but I really can’t give a concrete answer – it’s a little too far in the future

6.     You are so kind for thinking to invite me, but I already have prior plans, consider me for next time though! 

7.     Nah I’m good, love you though please enjoy!! 

The person you should always say yes to is you and your mental health. Whether that is “yes go and indulge” or “yes its okay to cancel and say no” 

Put your wellbeing first, so that you can show up and be the best version of yourself for others when the time comes.