3 Ways to Help With Your Overthinking
I am a textbook overthinker. The exact definition of that by the way is a person who “thinks about (something) too much or for too long.” Which describes me 80% of the time. Have you ever found yourself spiraling? Like a thought pops in your head, and it begins to grow legs and just.. run. Your mind connects one thought to another and suddenly you’re trying to organize where you started from where you are. And most times, the thoughts aren’t exactly pleasant. I’m not talking serial killer Dexter unpleasant, I more so mean, they’re unkind to you. It isn’t like you’re overthinking about how amazing things are, you’re usually freaked out and focused on what’s going wrong. Usually when you overthink, the thoughts you experience inward, manifest outward. Your stomach is doing summersaults, maybe you’re appetite is gone, or your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy…
You get where I am going with this.
I am here to tell you, even though these thoughts and feels aren’t healthy, you aren’t alone in what you are feeling. I am one of those people whose thoughts go in 1 of 2 directions, either being way too hard on myself and seeing things worse than what they are, or existential crisis. The thing is both options equally suck. Because I am either thinking about how I am not good enough, or need to work on this, or why didn’t I do that? or I’m thinking “wow time is questionable and not everlasting, this planet is only present for a certain amount of time….wait so does that mean time doesn't’’t matter?... oh my gosh we’re all going to die one day”
See? Unhealthy as hell. In order to distract myself I either keep thinking until I suffocate, distract myself with hours of mindless television and social media, or do something impulsive and ridiculous.
Overthinking hasn’t made my life easy. Sure I know every way I would protect myself if I were to get kidnapped, I have an entire file on my laptop dedicated directions should I go missing, and I have already imagined both my vigil and funeral. But like is all that necessary? The amount of energy I have dedicated to unnecessary thoughts could have been utilized in healthier activities, like creating writing pieces or applying to jobs so I can stop complaining about my current one. The amount of time I have spent distracting myself I could have literally been doing ANYTHING else. I promise 30% of the people I have hooked up with have been the result of distraction. I have watched The Office, Family Guy, and Desperate Housewives so much I could repeat certain episodes word for word and give you the origin history of main characters including their birth stone. Let’s not get started on impulsive decisions, I have a tattoo on my ankle that has no business being there. The point is, these overthinking intrusive thoughts have caused me to deflect and deviate to what makes me happy, and ultimately what is best for me.
Usually my overthinking stems from my insecurities. I constantly think that I do not have friends, that I am not memorable, and that I could be farther along than I am. I’ve written before about comparing myself, and how detrimental doing that has been on my mental health. Without going into to much detail that I feel could be used against me (should I actually happen to go missing) I want to share a short story:
This past weekend I visited one of my best friends Alliya in New York. She is a new mother to a beautiful baby girl, and I finally got to meet her for the first time. We made plans on Thursday to meet, and between Thursday and Sunday I hadn’t heard much from her. I bombarded her with messages, funny posts and videos and random updates from the weekend but had not heard back. Saturday night I was anxious. I thought maybe she was mad at me, maybe after almost 10 years of friendship she did not want to be friends any more, this thought spiraled into a falling out I had with a friend a few months back. I thought I was not a good friend and I should prepare to lose another one. I felt anxious and like something was off, and when she texted me the next morning to get together, I analyzed every message she sent. Was she mad? Should I still go? I had butterflies in my stomach the entire way to her house.
It wasn’t till I got there that I realized I was batshit crazy. She had been tired because news flash: she’s a mom. When I got there, I met her beautiful baby, and we spent the day hanging out. The realization was I had created an entire scenario in my mind out of worry that didn’t exist.
The reality is, what you think you can attract. So, if you keep pushing out negativity in your mind, you may accidentally create it, or at least punish yourself like it already exists. And you deserve so much better than that.
Overthinkers often tend to feel like they are the only ones going through this. And if Tik Tok has taught me nothing else, its that all of you are fucking nuts. Everyone has some sort of anxiety or nervousness or insecurity. Just because you can’t see it on the surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. So don’t think you are suffering through this alone. I’ve had insecurity over friendships and whether I matter really since I was a kid. As far back as I can imagine, so like at least the 2nd grade? Something about imagining little Ivana with her oversized backpack worrying about friends and fractions breaks my heart. As I have gotten older I found ways to heal and cope and negate these thoughts from going haywire.
The Why Method: Muck like Jadakiss, I start asking why. I observe my negative thought and as it begins to unravel I ask why? So if the thought is “I don’t feel like I have any best friends?” I ask why? Or “I don’t have any friends?” I will ask why? My answer may be “Because I am awkward?” to which I will answer “why?” the why isn’t a judgement it is objective “Why?” I need to get to the bottom of why I feel this way and in lies the answer most times it can go as far as, I feel insecure about myself, or I have felt that way in the past because I’ve been told something along those lines, or a struggle to deal with loss. The purpose is to ask why because once I answer I realize my inntial thought was ridiculous. Of course I have friends, they’re the main mfs who read this blog, all other thoughts to follow are build up from an initial thought that did not have much grounds to stand on in the first place. Try asking yourself “why” to dissect the way you feel. When you get to the real issue, its much more like a molehill than a mountain.
Going to Therapy: I mean. I say this every post. Go to therapy. Here is the thing, it is nice talking to people who know you, but you know what’s even better? Talking to someone who doesn’t know you, or your friends, or boyfriend, or mother or boss. Now add the fact that this person is licensed in helping you understand your feelings. Therapy is important because you get an hour to focus solely on you. No distractions, no judgement, just your truth. Therapy is more obtainable and acceptable now that it has been in years, and that’s coming from someone whose been in a shrink’s office for 13 years. Below is a link for virtual apps as well as a link to finding a therapist perfect for you:
https://www.health.com/condition/infectious-diseases/coronavirus/virtual-therapy-mental-health-apps
I’m serious you owe it to yourself. I haven’t seen my therapist in close to two months and I just feel off, my thoughts more cloudy, I literally have an appointment this Thursday and honestly, Thank God. Check out the resources, and take your time find someone who works well with you where you feel comfortable and in a safe space. I’ll even throw a dating tip in here: people who see a therapist aren’t the crazy ones, they’re probably the types you should give a chance too, a little self awareness can go a long way.
Video Journal: Video journaling is like my favorite thing to do. I’m the biggest down bitch I know. More importantly usually when we overthink, we are doing it silently. So it’s nice to be able to talk out loud. Sometimes when you physically hear what is on your mind you feel a little bit more prepared to address it. Every morning I set my phone in front of me and I just talk, I talk about all my feelings, and sometimes videos are short 3 minutes, I am jolly, I feel good. Other times videos are long 20 minutes worth of me just talking. The point is I get it out, and I can look back if need be to see the things I spiraled about weren’t really worth the spiraling, or the things in needed to address, were finally addressed. The point is I have taken time to focus on me and face what is on my mind instead of distracting myself from it. I put things into perspective and don’t feel as out of control. It doesn’t mean everything is better by the time I end the video, but it does mean that things feel a lot more manageable.
I can’t say it will get better overnight. I currently am sitting at my desk, and I kind of feel like shit right now myself. I can tell you that I have felt a lot worse, there have been much darker days, and I got through those so I will feel better, a little stronger, a little more confident, and a lot less in my head, using tools like this certainly helps.
If none of these three things give you peace, then I leave you with this. I saw a TikTok today from @mckeebond that said “when you realize that deep down no one actually gives a shit about what anyone except for themselves does so you’re straight up wasting your time on this earth if you’re being held back by fear of judgement and not going all in on your dream”
Do what you want, don’t stress about it to much, it’ll all work itself out.
I love you.
