Let It Go, how to find compromise in not letting negative interactions affect you.

If it's one thing my ***** going to do it's hold a grudge. Holding a grudge might be the reason why I breathe so hard when I sleep . Holding a grudge might be the reason why my foupa has not gone down. It is the host of all my grudges. I don't understand how I don't have a single worry line because I love to worry about how other people have the audacity to piss me off. I have discussed this in my blogs before. I don't like to let things go. I am still ****** at my fifth grade teacher Miss Zimmer. I saw a photo of her the other day and my stomach flips. I hope she's doing horribly to be honest. Sorry, The thing is those people that are bitter and angry they always seem to grow up with some sort of ailment, or they look 10 years older than they are. I truly believe that holding on to things and adding unnecessary distress to your life is a health risk, just ask my dad he's 1 blow up away from us having to put him in a nursing home and it wouldn't even be our choice. If there is one thing he has taught me it is the importance of letting issues go, because it isn’t healthy for you and you wouldn’t like it if a person held past discretions over your head either.. Kevin Hart, which I can't believe I'm using him as a reference but I digress, once said that he does not have time to be angry he noted ‘do you know how much energy it takes to have an attitude and hold a grudge.?’

 When I thought about that it's true it's time and energy. If I put all the people in my life that I have pissed off in a room, 1. you probably would have to knock down a wall or to add more space and secondly the ones that were not able to let it go, the ones that were still bitter would either be strangers to me, or their attendance in the room would probably shock and upset me. The truth is most times people don't realize the amount of damage they caused. So when I waste my time being angry, the perpetrators usually are unaware at how upset I was at something they said or did. Or if they are aware, and have apologized they still don't realize the impact or probably rather not continuously carry the guilt with them every single day. So why should I?   

If you are like me you are sensitive, if you are not like me you can't admit that to yourself. Most people to some degree remember when someone says or does something that really hurts them and a carries a little piece of that wherever they go. Sometimes it manifests in a relationship where they are fearful and untrustworthy of new people in their lives, or it is motivation for them to be better and prove that person wrong. Sometimes it become a villain’s origin story and they begin to mirror those mean actions or words to others. Hurt people hurt people. Whatever the case, sometimes you can run the risk of having another person's words or actions truly affect you and an astounding way. I realized for myself I don't want another person's behavior to be the sculpture of my own. Which means I've learned that I need tougher skin. I have to work on taking constructive criticism. I have to work on not taking things so personal. And more than anything I need to learn how to let things go. 

It isn't easy sometimes it's my really rude supervisor who I've mentioned before, other times it's someone closer like my mom saying the absolute wrong thing at the wrong time. And sometimes it's a complete stranger like the ******* that I was on the elevator with a couple years ago who was so unkind to me while I was struggling with my suitcase. The point is if I carry all of these intentional and unintentional behaviors with me everywhere I go the only person that is truly weighed down by them is me.

There is peace in choosing your battles and letting things go and not vilifying a person who hurt you. There may be a break up or fight or incident that truly resonates with you. There may be a few in your lifetime. You can be over a person and still be affected by the situation. A situation can impact you but if you have made it your priority to find acceptance, not avoid, but address and find peace you will be better off. Don't feel bad if your stomach sinks should you run into them, don't judge yourself if you are affected even the slightest bit by the person's presence. It's a trigger, and most times you're more so in your head then the actual reality of their situation.  With time forgiveness and healing pain will diminish. Those situations are rare which means that anything smaller than that you should make an effort to let go.

So let's talk about those smaller situations. That person that said the wrong thing, that coworker who was a real jerk to you today. Let's talk about how you let things go with people and compromise to find peace.  

Not every disagreement in a relationship needs to result in a 3 hour discussion. Sometimes it is so much easier to compromise and let things go. I am a huge hypocrite when it comes to this advice because I have struggled on so many occasions in relationships to let things go. Every significant other I have ever dated has given me a look, a look of true exhaustion followed by “I’m tired, I am sorry, what can you do to get over this we have been over it so many times” that look is heart breaking. It shows me that my ego holds no bounds and I am willing to almost beat my partner down into this place of submission to make myself feel better. That is the definition of bat shit crazy. No that is a stretch, but what it does show is that I am willing to put more energy into being vindicated than being happy. That is a moment of self awareness that sticks with me. When we date someone we never get the perfect partner. Get that idea out of your head. The most beautiful thing about this life is that there are over a billion souls in it and a million that you may even cross paths with and none of them are an 100% match to you. Expecting a person to meet all your wants and needs and understand you and have perfect communication is a reach. If you want all that in a person then honestly just be with yourself because no one is going to understand you like you do, and even then you may make mistakes that you’ll have to end up repairing anyway. Letting go and compromising is going to save not only a lot of long nights but will help with the risk of resentment. The more you harp on things from the past the harder it is to see if you and the person are truly compatible and can get through more strenuous experiences in life.

 Now I am not saying to let every red flag go, like if he’s clearly coming in at 3:30am  every night, or she’s so obviously saying things that are purposely hurtful then take those into account seriously. But I mean letting go of something that pissed you off in September of 2018 and not letting it rear its ugly head in October of 2021 when you are on your way to a family function. My boyfriend and I have had to work on moving on and letting go. I've realized in this relationship that if you are serious about a person you've got to pick and choose your battles. If you're not sure where something is going to go, it may seem like that's the time where you pick and choose. However if you're investing your time and energy into a person you've got to be aware of exactly how you're spending it. My boyfriend may not always say the right thing, or his tone may be off, but if we have a disagreement I have to decide how exactly I'm going to let this affect me. Am I going to hold on to disagreement and let it fester and manifests in every future argument or am I going to choose to move on remind myself of his intention and come to a compromise. Sometimes it's better to be loved than to be right. 

There are other times where maybe it isn't a loved one that ****** you off maybe it truly is a coworker, or classmate that you're on a group project with. I want to tell you that even though I am in full support of living your life like you are the main character you are absolutely a supporting role or a background extra in the life of others. So the damage you think a person has caused you may be monumental, but to them chances are it was just another Wednesday. On my 22nd birthday I went out to the club. The hands of Thor came down on my ego that night. I went with one of my closest friends Sophia. While we were there was a certain Lil' Bow Wow wannabe with the straight backs sitting in the same section as me. He was so entitled, he was not nice, and he hogged all the bottles. I remember being very friendly and excited about my birthday, and he gave off the exact air of I don't give a  **** And the truth is he probably didn't. I thought about this man for months, clearly years if I'm writing about it now. I would fantasize about the day I became a baller and would stunt on him. That sounds so stupid when I type it now. But my ego was so scarred, that this person wasn't decent to me, that it left a magnitude of irritation. Followed by the fact that I can't remember this man's name I remember how little I felt, I remember what he looked like, but I was so committed to getting my pride restored the next time I saw him. In the beginning of August of 2021 when I did see him at the ripe old age of 26, I knew exactly who he was. I had gone out with my friend Camille too one of her event spaces. At this particular location she was standing behind the DJ booth talking to a DJ that she had partnered with for events. As he's playing, we're chatting, I'm sipping on a Margarita and I'm really excited just to enjoy the night. That is when I see him, rude section boy from 2017. He waltzes up goes to the DJ booth, and starts talking to the DJ, because of course they’re friends, why I thought an extreme amount of karma would hit him later on is beyond me. He turned around and started talking with Camille and I. In fact he introduced himself to me. He had no recollection of our interaction five years ago. That's when it hit me, I had thought about this man and he probably forgot what my face looked like the minute he walked out the club five years ago. Because his intention wasn't to pick on Ivana that evening. Needless to say you have to let things go period you cannot walk around with a chip on your shoulder because most times the person that caused it doesn't even recall picking up the axe. 

WAYS TO LET IT GO:

So I have given the reasons why. Now here are the ways to let things go. This is how I have loosened my grip on things that should not have me in such a chokehold. 

1.    Give it 24 Hours- Don’t respond now, see how you feel in a day. I have said things out of anger that I regret. I have said things that in the moment are so permanent, but were so temporary in how I felt. I have said things and done things I was so disappointed and unrecognizable because of how I felt. Part of my karma is knowing I deserve it. So my new rule in order to avoid that  is I give it 24 hours.  I try not to vent to much about it. I try not to talk badly about a person. I try to really wait. If I am still mad in 24 hours I have calmed down enough to communicate how I felt, but most times I am not and I can work towards letting it go. It isn’t easy. I have failed plenty of times, but the more work I put towards trying to be a better person to myself and those around me I have got to be in the step of a right direction. So wait 24 hours, let that time be time you do your own thing, evaluate, marinate and then make your next move. It will save a lot of time and regret on your part. 

2.    Think about the person who delivered the message, do you love them are they good people. Do they matter? If so, weigh that in letting it go if not definitely way that in letting it go – who wants to fight when you could be making love? No seriously. If a person you love says the wrong thing think about how much they matter in your life. If they mean a lot you can sit down and talk about it, and ultimately move in the steps forward in forgiveness, not completely harping on how you feel and allowing resentment to manifest into your bond with this person. If the person doesn’t matter to you, then more of a reason to let it go. Don’t let someone who in the grand scheme of things will be a blip in your timeline to make such a major impact. If someone you aren’t close to says something that hurts you, take the personal out of it. What they have said or done isn’t a reflection of you and a projection of themselves. I am someone who has said things that when I hear or read them back I am embarrassed. My intention wasn’t to cause pain and most times when I say something venomous in the form of “talking shit” or being funny it is an example of my own insecurity. The guilt of knowing I hurt someone later one is disappointing. So now if someone does something similar, if they unintentionally hurt me, I consider myself in their shoes. I think about how damage I’’ve caused I didn’t mean to and in the end I’m either oblivious or I feel really ashamed for the hurt I have caused. Mostly though I hope that person was able to move on. So, consider that for you. That stranger or co worker, take the personal vendetta on you mindset away and consider it from a view of unintentional neglectful behavior that doesn’t carry the weight to effect you.

Remember your health – the only person suffering is you. On a spiritual level holding on to things can mess with your afterlife. I know I went left. But it can’t be healthy for your soul to carry certain weight that a person has given unbeknownst to them. We have so much in this life to worry about and risk, and if we can control our health to the best of our ability we should. If you feel something taking you out of your element, you’re becoming angry your heartrate is rising, you are eating out of stress, knots in your stomach. Finding the root of why is so important. Take time to address how you feel, accept how you feel, and decide what will make you feel better. Pray, write and express being upset and focus on ways of finding peace. Whether that is watching tv, taking a nap, walking about and distancing yourself for a moment. Think about the goal being making you feel whole, not fixing the situation, because you need to be in the best present space to make necessary chang