Why I Left Home

This past weekend I went out with a couple of my friends who are from New Jersey. If you don’t know am from New Jersey born and raised. No, I don’t know Jenny from the Jersey Shore, there were only like 2 people in my class who acted like that cast by the way.  It actually was very strange how much their personalities changed in 2008 when that show first aired. But that’s for another piece. I am from South Orange New Jersey, or how it is lovingly known as: MAPSO because my town literally humps the line of Maplewood, so the civilians decided to morph the two. Recently, during my last visit I noticed people are calling it SOMA now? Yuck.

Anyway, my hometown is a special place. It is known for being diverse, which we all know means a bunch of people who don’t really look alike have their own designated areas and we get to mesh when it comes to attending school. Growing up I lived in an upper middle class neighborhood. Some people would describe it as affluent; it was where all the established white people lived. And then the sprinkle of black Jack and Jill kids holding it down, or oreos as I was called the first 15 years of my life.

My town is special for various reasons. Not just because it literally looks like the definition of a Hallmark movie setting, where the big city wig comes back to find love. Or the fact that Sza went to my highschool. Or because a Lifetime movie was created based off of the time our basketball team in the 80s sexually assaulted a special needs girl. Or even because in 2014 a teacher got caught sucking a freshman’s dick to the song “Am I Wrong?” See all those things make us stand out, absolutely. But my town is special because most small towns are special, to the people who reside there, or in my case…leave.

MAPSO is located in North Jersey. We are best described as being right by Newark, but not technically Newark. NJ transit is our bread and butter. You can hop on the train and in about 30 minutes you are in NYC. We are known for our pizza, bagels, and alcoholism. Every graduating high school class seeming to be closer to the cast of Euphoria than the last. I graduated in 2012, which, my God sounds like eons ago. (Did anyone know that it is going to be 2021 is like 15 minutes? )Growing up I liked school. I was usually the distracted kid who didn’t work to her potential. Aka very bright but doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Charles Newton. Most times I was boy crazy or stressing over my parent’s failing marriage, or worried about whether I fit in or not. I enjoyed being social, I liked attention. My high school was very much so Degreassi, there was always some new saga and there were so many people that just fit the niche of Main Characters. I floated through groups being apart of a few cliques and spreading out my time. I think that more so played into me figuring out my footing, of who I was. I liked throwing parties and going to parties. My friends were always down for that.  Quite frankly getting lit was a huge part of my town’s culture. My high school created uber before uber existed. It was called Saferides and I know the mf who came up with that is pissed they didn’t pitch it to Sharktank. It literally consisted of people calling a number and other high school students picking people up who were shitfaced and getting them home safely. The idea was to avoid drunk driving.

MAPSO has always been innovative though. A place where artists come  together. We had festivals and most people who are from there are open to collaborating. We also had our typical racism that I think just adds a little *sizzle and spice* to who we are. One of my good friends keyed the cars of a super racist kid in our class, and a subtle race war occurred within my graduating class when a group formally known as the 19 pretty much established that they didn’t like black people and preferred us to party Separately. The truth is when it comes to MAPSO we all were obsessed or intertwined with one another. Groups connected by a single friendship thread and meshed in. It almost seems incestuous, whoever you hook up with some how is connected to someone you’re friends with. The amount of tongues that have been in mouths  it’s no wonder I got Mono my Junior year.

We were always a melting pot for the towns over to intertwine, but we never left our neck of the woods completely. MAPSO kind of has a cult following that way. Anyone who wasn’t from our town but friends with people in the town were always seen as outliers. Even if they were accepted. As I got older though what I realized is, people from MAPSO created families out of the friends they made. Like extended cousins. The unique appeal and the situations people found themselves in created tie or pride and allegiance. You just had to be from there to get it. As I’ve gotten older faces in the town become less familiar, store fronts change, neighbors move. My sisters in their early 20s now carry the torch of relevance, but the group ties stay the same. My ex boyfriend of 5 years lives there, and is still friends with his same tribe. People evolve in other ways but their close knit circles stay the same.

I just lost my train of thought. The point is. I understand small town allegiance. I get hometown loyalty and I see why you stay with your day 1 homies. It’s the reason I still follow 60% of people from high school. It’s like .. I don’t really give a fuck that you got a new job, but also we had geometry together in 2010 so I feel like this is a teeny bit relevant to my life. I mean I had a lot of first and lasts in my hometown.  The first and last white guy I kissed was in South Orange, if you don’t count the white passing Ecuadorian guy I fell in love with and dated this past year.  I have soul ties to home. Which is why now as I stare down the barrel of the holidays I think to myself, where the fuck is all this apprehension coming from? I find myself to be slightly nervous, pushing off the days that are coming up. I can’t completely describe it. This unseen anxiety about getting off the train and trucking it to an uber. I can feel the cool air on my skin, as I think about it. Driving the twenty minutes because no one in my family can bother to pick me up. Getting to my house hugging my mom so intensely because I missed her, and then her ultimately disappearing, going to her office or room. And I sit in an empty house. One sister working till late hours the other occupied with her boyfriend. My father who is so excited to have me home, only to eventually fill me in on some sort of drama that makes me feel 10 times heavier than when I arrived. I suddenly feel super nervous itching to go to the pizza shop, or CVS. Anything to keep me preoccupied.

I also notice this sentiment of I don’t totally fit in. Like a puzzle piece that is a bit too large. My friends and acquaintances back home have stories and inside jokes from being home. Things I don’t totally get or understand. Cause I wasn’t there. It’s enough to ask: why did I leave in the first place?

Going out with my friends who have moved reminded me. You know that saying “This town isn’t big enough for the both of us?” yea that’s me talking to my ego. The summer I decided to move to DC permanently was a very impulsive decision based on a very sure feeling.  It was 2016 and it was the first time I realized I was changing. I never completely understood my placement, growing up there was always something missing. The summer I decided to stay in DC was a whirlwind. I was working at a bar in the city, and met a group of people who ultimately changed the trajectory of my life. They were a mix of people from DC or the area around who had cemented their place here. I fell for a guy, and at the time at 22 it was the first time I thought that I would end up with someone other than my first boyfriend. It was also the first time I realized there was more outside of my hometown. I was prepared for the trajectory of going to school, coming home, getting a job in  New York City and dating my boyfriend until it was time to get married. In hindsight that doesn’t sound like a bad life. It sounds pretty nice actually. It just didn’t fit what I wanted. Plus, if we’re being honest, my ex was destined to cheat on me with a white woman. But that’s for another time.

 I worked at the bar and realized so much about myself. I fell in love with the art, and the wild nights in the city. Most importantly I fell in love with my independence. Something about being out on my own, making my own money, figuring it out, just made me feel like a real person. I didn’t feel like I was just going through the motions, I guess I felt like I was making the waves.

It was a hot summer day in July when I went out with my friend Shenarri to a rooftop pool. We spent the day eating and drinking and talking about our goals and dreams. We gossiped about guys and debated on whether or not we were going out after that. It wasn’t until the sun went down that I stopped for a moment to realize where I was and what I was doing. It was possibly the most present I had been in a while. I got up from the pool and walked to the edge of the rooftop, I leaned slightly against the railing and looked out at the city.  The sun hit the top of the buildings perfectly. Like God was smiling over it. I had this sudden feeling like I needed to stay out here  a little longer.

See I know I am romanticizing the idea of leaving your home town. But the thing is, it is so much more than leaving your home for a job opportunity or new school. When people leave they are leaving a place they know. Good or bad, its theirs. Your hometown played a role in sculpting who you are now. And its impact is another reason why you left. I knew I wanted something more or different, mostly I was curious of who I would become after leaving all that I knew. A lot of times I think about what would have happened if I stayed. For some reason I don’t regret my decision. I know I did the right thing. Because if I hadn’t I am not sure I would have made the friends who have become my family. I don’t know when I would have started writing. I don’t know the type of woman I would be. I don’t know when I would have understood and experienced my independence.

I am sure the Ivana who chose to go home is a great person. I am sure in another universe she’s happy. She’s content. But this Ivana, is really happy she took a chance.

See change is scary. Its intimidating. It is nerve-wracking. You have no idea if you’re going to fall on your face. There are times I’m in my apartment alone and I think, wow I miss home. I think about where I would be if I hadn’t left, would I be married? Would I be writing? Would I be making money? Was this worth it? I think a lot about this when I have low days. The other night in fact I was crying and really thought about how I wish I had someone there to hold me.

So then I just held me.

When I decided to move I knew one thing for sure, the person that was going to have to hold my hand, have my back, wipe my tears, teach me things I needed to learn.. was me. So my first apartment that was a shitty little one bedroom in a questionable area with a creepy neighbor, taught me about safety. The roommate I had in the next space taught me boundaries. The first nice studio taught me about acknowledging when you level up. And my current home is teaching me how to be alone.

I knew for me leaving would be learning without someone there to guide me along the way. I also knew leaving was going to sculpt something, or someone rather that I could not fathom. Leaving makes you realize how brave you really are. And here’s the thing… If you go and it sucks, guess what? You can move again. You can go home again or find somewhere that fits you.

We don’t really know what’s next for us in this life. Your life can change dramatically in a week.  So I truly believe that if you have the opportunity to move, and more importantly feel the pull to, you should do it.

As we get older more responsibilities are going to come. Even though 60% of my peers have this obsession with coming off busy, or seeming busy. Eventually we really will be. Kids and marriages and taking care of family members. So don’t look back and wonder “why didn’t I take the leap” don’t let time pass you by and you wonder what could have been. Do what you think is right, what you think is best, what you believe is most beneficial for your wellbeing. Let it be a part of what molds you and helps you find yourself. Be open to the people you’re going to meet and the lives you’re going to impact. Look forward to how much you change and surprise yourself with just how strong you are.

I promise it’s worth it.