Unmotivated
I couldn’t write. I had a block, the entire February has been a blur from the 1st to now. You know how depressing it is to be uncreative during Black History Month? The one time I’m supposed to shine. Every idea sounded flat, it sounded rehearsed. Like I was talking about the same shit week after week. I started to wonder “do my readers think a bitch don’t take her own advice, how have I not evolved?” When I would think of topics, they were close but no cigar. Like they almost could be a hit, the idea is there, but it just didn’t manifest the way it should have. Kind of like that new Big Sean Bryson Tiller song. I felt like I was meeting a peak, and the only reason I was slowing down is because I feared meeting early retirement.
Damn, maybe this is why Frank Ocean only drops songs every once and a while, keep the gems as gems. However, unlike the ever talented Mr. Ocean, I am not where I want to be yet. I am not a Toni Morrison or an Issa Rae. I haven’t figured out why my own caged bird sings like Maya Angelou. I can’t afford to stop because what once seemed like a passionate gateway ticket off this 9 to 5 nightmare, is turning into a side hobby that I use as a topic while at brunch with girlfriends.
I know I have the talent. I’m a starving artist damnit and if I’m not creating then I’m just starving.. which I have since over compensated with eating. So now I’m just a full office drone.
Being regular and without any aspirations or goals or drive is something I feel ashamed to fear. I think for me it’s the idea that when you find a passion you should implore it, because not everyone does. Growing up I couldn’t sing, I had zero rhythm, I was theatrical but couldn’t memorize lines so acting was out, I played sports but I was never like the best (Soccer I had a chance, but my dad was the coach we can discuss that trauma later). I just did not have my niche. Discovering writing, and realizing how much I could write and how well I could write gave me this sense of hope, that I was one step closer to finding my purpose.
So when these lulls happen, they don’t feel great. When I am unable to find this motivation to get anything on paper I find myself becoming hard on me. I compensate with drowning myself with work in other aspects, or harping on a boyfriend, or running to Tik Tok or Twitter as a distraction. If I can put my energy to things that don’t give me fulfillment at least I am putting my energy somewhere. I don’t feel like I’m totally wasting my time.
When I start to think about my writing, and the deadlines I have put in my head I feel this sense of anxiety. I’ve put articles and topics off because I have completely psyched myself out on whether I can execute them. It isn’t a great feeling, and to be honest it doesn’t help things get better. When I start to worry about who is thinking about my work, or writing pieces I told people I was going to do and haven’t done, or the fact that I am not performing… I feel like a failure and a liar. I consume myself with negative thoughts and quite frankly it takes my love away from writing. I feel like my passion becomes a chore.
When you put pressure on anything eventually it will burst. Whether it is a balloon or a water bottle or a pimple. I have always been the pressure cooker of my life. When I feel panicked I find myself pressuring others, boyfriends with the premature “what are we” because I’m afraid to be alone. Jobs with the “what is next” because I am afraid that others will pass me by. “What is wrong with me” when I feel like I am failing personally or creatively.
You know what pressure does in the long run? Not a damn thing. You can’t reuse that balloon, that water bottle is ruined, that pimple has left a scar. You get frustrated and anxious and over think so much that whatever positive payoff you were searching for has been buried. If you are constantly forcing something to work you are only going to get more frustrated. That job is going to seem more pointless, that relationship is going to deteriorate because all you are is unapproachable as fuck and stressful, your own internal self esteem is going to plummet, because you are becoming your biggest critic instead of your biggest supporter. I see people say all the time “apply pressure” but that doesn’t necessarily get you the result you are searching for. Patiently putting hard work and intention does. There are times I write and I’m like “oh this is some mf heat right here” and other times where I’m grasping at straws. However, if I had as much positivity when things flowed naturally as I do when I am lacking a bit, I may not have the perfect outcome every time, but at least I’m not Pablo Picasso getting ready to chop my damn ear off at the thought of any inconvenience.
There is a major difference between being unmotivated and unambitious. I think often times we hear this notion that you can sleep when you’re dead, if you’re not working, working, working you’re not doing anything. However when are mother fuckers going to realize it isn’t about working harder it is about working smarter?
I am in an investment club and the surrounding people are smart strong black men and women. (That’s why I’m apart of the club, can’t hang around no dummies.) The thing is though, a lot of them like to mention how busy they’ve been, as if it is a personality trait that shows how successful they have become. I already know, I am clearly the outlier weirdo. I wouldn’t dare let any of them know that there are times where I simply am jut chillen, where my brain is on pause. I just don’t think it would be well received. I realized the reason for this is simple: I confuse being unmotivated with being unambitious.
To lack ambition is to be completely okay with where your life is and have no genuine push at the present time to do more. In this capitalistic ass country we see that as the biggest failure, because we are constantly searching for how to get ahead. However I am a full believer that if you don’t have that feel to do more, if you are genuinely okay with where you are, then don’t fake the funk and pretend. Accept this nature about yourself and do whatever you can to keep that feeling of being comfortable in being present going.
Lacking ambition when you’re not doing shit is different though. Like if you are reading this right now from your mamma’s basement and your Step-dad Jerry is texting you asking if you want Thai food or pizza tonight, and also if you have your $250 for rent this month yet, then yea boo it’s time to make some changes. However, if you are comfortable in your job, in your relationship, in your family, and you don’t feel this pull to do more, then don’t fake it. I have a co worker who has been at my job for about 7 years, the only change that’s occurred is her salary. I would see her and think, she’s so smart and creative she should be doing more. I would again find myself applying pressure to a woman who truly is comfortable where she is at. I almost became judgey when I realized she had no intention of doing anything outside of living her normal life with her partner, her dog and her friends. Work for her meant coming in and doing her job. She basically is a real life Pam Beasley, and between you and I, she found her Jim. After a while, Pam was cool with life in Scranton and her family, and no one should judge her for that. I realized if I am judgmental of my co workers choices in being content, that makes me no different than the feeling that I’m not doing enough, when thinking about my investment group. The thing is, no one is wrong for their thought process, people just have different preferences.
Lacking ambition is not necessarily a bad thing, it just doesn’t fit for everyone. We are constantly expected to push ourselves for more and think less of people who don’t. Not everyone dreams at the same pace or same level, and that’s okay.
Lacking motivation is very different from lacking ambition. Sometimes you just don’t have it in you at the moment. You’re tired or distracted or feeling like you just aren’t mentally or physically pushed to get after that goal. Whether it is grad school, applying for a new job, starting a business. There may be a time where you just don’t have the motivation to put in the work and you don’t know why. This past few month I have no idea why I couldn’t get myself to write. I blame it on Mercury being in retrograde, but whatever the reason it just wasn’t there. I honestly didn’t feel like writing and I couldn’t come up with anything to write.
Then my website got hacked
As I write this I literally couldn’t post even if I wanted too. At first I was relieved, I dindt feel like posting anyway atleast now I had a valid excuse, and then I was panicked. I’d promised an artist I would write a piece about him and I’m over a month late, and then I felt regret I should have pushed myself more.
In the end though, I felt like I should take this time and be present. When you don’t feel motivated the worst thing you can do is be hard on yourself. I can remember learning how to ride a bike, I was far older than I should have been. When my dad taught me he would bark at me, he’d get frustrated and yell and just be an all-around dick. When my mom taught me she was patient, she understood how bad I already felt because I couldn’t perform…she let me take my time.
That’s how you deal with lack of motivation. It won’t last forever. I started to let time take over. I lived my life normally, I went to work, I talked to my friends, I watched tv, I got sleep. I allowed time to do its job. Go by. Inspiration is bound to come to you because the talent is there. So, during this time of pause don’t panic accept that maybe this is the universe letting you know you need to take a pause. Sure, others around you may seem like they are full speed ahead, but your journey is your own and if we all broadcasted the dull moments in life, social media would be a lot more relatable but also pretty boring… so most people post their wins instead of the mundane or God forbid the losses.
Inspiration will come, whether you are eating lunch one day, taking your dog for a walk, listening to a podcast. That surge will find you but the more you look for it the longer it will take. Don’t be so hard on yourself or autmaitcally feel that just because you have slowed down it is a sign to give up. It may just be your body and mind telling you, Hey let’s just be present for a while, or that there is something else that better fits your story than the thing you are going after. If you want something bad enough lack of motivation or not, take the time and steps to achieve it, and it will happen. That sounds like a bunch of w*ite privilege bullshit. But I always think to myself. Jeff Bezos, Oprah, Magic Johnson, Drake these people never stopped believing in their goals even during low. moments. They put out the belief that they could achieve what they wanted and then they put the work in.
Start little by little to coax yourself back into routine. If you think of an idea write it down. Note the time where you are on Tik Tok or Instagram, when its been a half an hour of entertainment and when it becomes 2 hours of distraction. Come up with plans and decent deadlines that cause you to look forward to your goals not fear it. Watch Tabatha Brown videos, sometimes I play them.. if you don’t know she’s a vegan chef and everyone’s second mother.
Most importantly sleep. Today after a month hiatus I am writing a piece and honestly, I went to bed at a good hour last night. I felt motivated and creative this morning I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and put it on my white board.
Lastly spend time with people that motivate you not intimidate you. Spend time with friends who are doing something they love and working towards their own goals, be around energy that may rub off on you.
Just know things don’t always come at the time you set but that doesn’t mean they are gone forever.
Everything turns out alright in the end, if its isn’t alright, it isn’t the end.
Enjoy your time off, life is about to pick up again sooner than you know it
