I Would Not Do Well On A Television Show

During the past few days post the Thanksgiving blur I have been binging the popular reality series Love Island UK. By blur I mean that weird holiday space where time doesn’t exist and every day feels like Sunday. The only thing that tops this is that weird space between the day after Christmas and January 2nd . During these peaceful black holes I take the time to binge some sort of show. It may be a docuseries, or a scripted dramedy, maybe even loads of thriller movies that have stacked themselves in my notes that were all but forgotten. But my ultimate favorite show of choice: reality tv. I will watch anything, as long as it’s just real enough to be fake. Or just fake enough to be real.  Growing up it was sneaking to watch the Real World, to watching The Challenge which is literally just a continuation of the Real World except now they are doing physical and mental games to win money. I loved watching shows about peoples already established lives like Housewives of Potomac and secretly love and hip hop. I’ll even spend a day tucked away watching Love it or Lease it, a show all about house construction and buying. My ultimate go to however, hands down are: dating shows. Mindless competitions where the goal is to find a significant other. You name it, I’ve seen it. Flavor of love, Rock of love, Shot at love, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Are You The One, and my current drug of choice: Love Island UK. The show is basically about singles coming into a house to become couples, and the best couple in the villa wins a monetary prize. It’s based in Europe and they have much different mannerisms than the US. For one, they are competing for the money, but they don’t seem to focus on it, they seem to be more genuine. American reality shows literally think sex or having a low IQ is a personality trait. If not that they are plotting or scheming, instinct of a capitalistic system. Love Island UK is just entertaining, there isn’t a couple I’m not rooting for, which honestly is a breath of fresh air for me. I often find myself digging deep into these people’s lives. Refraining myself from snooping on their social media pages until the end of a season to not give anything away. I write down who my favorite characters are,  and have deep conversations with anyone who will listen about their personality traits that I’ve observed from an hour’s episode. Sometimes if I binge to much I adopt certain mannerisms or quirks. I currently can’t stop saying “babes” and “are you bloody mad?” I love the accents and have convinced myself I was from Manchester in a past life.

I don’t mid admitting this because there’s no way I can be alone. I am a part of the literal peanut gallery, giving my unsolicited opinion on people’s lives I’ve only gotten an glimpse into thanks to manipulative  producers. Sometimes it’s fun to get lost in the shenanigans of a bunch of strangers. It takes the creepiness out of being a total peeping tom. Truly though aside from watching shows and texting my friend that “we need to start a podcast” which by the way, no you don’t. Out of 100 people who think they should start a podcast only 3 probably should, you aren’t as funny or entertaining as you think you are. This is coming from a person who writes a blog about her entirely about herself  every Monday.

What I realized is I love watching these shows, I love recapping and dishing with friends, it’s a guilt pleasure to have tune in to the weekly drama. (Which essentially is in the past anyway because they recorded this show months prior.) However my biggest take away from watching these shows at home, in bed, on the couch, in the shower, wherever … that I could not be on one myself.

I don’t think I have what it takes to be on reality television. And that’s reality of any kind. I know I would be hilarious in my confessionals, and I may even be a fan favorite. But personally I just don’t see myself joining a show.

Growing up I applied to a couple of reality shows. Married at First Sight, Are You The One…  I thought that wouold be my ticket to Hollywood. Unfortunately my photos were flatline and my answers, I didn’t realize that the wilder he answers were better. So when asked  “what am I like in a relationship” I would say something normal like “honest, funny, loyal, outgoing, and trustworthy” when in reality they were probably look like “jealous, bats hit crazy, sex addict,” or better yet “what is a relationship?” We are going for ratings here people, we need drama. Which makes sense, if I wanted to watch a  bunch of normal boring people interact I would pay attention in my zoom meetings.

I don’t take the really take the rejection personal, because even though the first day I’m buzzing (sorry, love island UK slang) to get a call back, I think to myself how would I actually do on  a reality show. Like what would my day to day be like?

Love Island UK definitely wouldn’t work on my end, for one thing as a viewer alone, the sound of people kissing makes me absolutely nauseous. Why are the mics so close? And do they get even louder with each exchange of saliva and lip smack? Literally if you had to pick one way to torture me to tell all the secrets I know, it would absolutely be playing other people’s kissing on full volume. There is nothing ASMR or soothing about it. So, having to be on that show knowing the sound of my lips would be in surround sound of all of the world alone is enough for me to say no. Not only that, but I just am one of those idiots who puts all my eggs in one basket. And for anyone who watched Love Island UK, you know that you literally pick a person and share a bed with them. The anxiety of things not working out after dating someone and having to share a bed? Fuck-ass to the no. Plus something about this show is  a bit cult-like. If you kiss someone or go on a date, you literally have to admit it to the entire villa. Aside from that there don’t seem to be any rules, like they randomly get text messages for challenges or to vote couples off. I don’t understand how the entire cast isn’t under constant anxiety. Yet it doesn’t seem like their isn’t liquor overflowing with people consistently  wasted like on American shows. The point is I realized I probably would feel like I was in an alternate universe and by week two I would be packing my bags.

It got me to thinking how I would manage on other shows, and honestly… they’re all looking slow.

Bad Girls Club – I can’t fight. Also, the minute my mattress gets thrown in the pool I’m leaving. Why do people literally get off on confrontation?

The Bachelorette- This is like a polyamorous science experiment. Something about 20 women being obsessed with 1 man seems creepy, and 20 men pining for 1 women’s affection seems…barbaric. I just can’t imagine kissing someone and knowing 6 other tounges have been down his throat before me that night alone, and the rose ceremony? Kiss my ass. I would be on the third row pooting out of nervousness because not getting a rose would hurt my ego over my feelings

The Real World – Heres the thing, I know me. I know how I am. I kiss a guy and I’m like wow okay we’re married. The real world, being in a house with no television, no music, no phones. A week would feel like a month, and after a week I would fall in love with whatever roommate gave me attention first. Hook up with them, and with my luck they’d meet some random girl at a bar or club or God forbid another roommate. I would be tossed to the side and have to hold it together for my pride. Every confessional would be a cryfest. Plus I don’t really need all of America to see me in a bonnet.

Ex On The Beach- Honestly being in a house with other people’s exes just seems like a recipe for disaster. Plus mine are so…I just don’t know if they are going to come. Or the ones that would I’d be like “why?” and the people in the house would be like “how?”

Are You The One – honestly I feel like I would catch a body I didn’t need to, not to mention if I don’t like my match I will be so annoyed. I’m way to territorial I’ll either not like anyone or like someone way to much and have weird tension with another castmate over it. Something about me just screams love triangle.  I’ll never actually address my issues because I’m allergic to confrontation

It honestly is like watching a live social project. You put people in a huge house without any contact from the outside world or music or television. It just seems so strange. Like rehab but with alcohol.

I spent a weekend at a cabin for a friend’s birthday that seems to be as close to reality tv as I’ll get. Quite frankly after day three I was ready to throw in the towel. There were so many of jus, so many energies. I was so happy to wake up early to get to sit on the balcony and have time to myself. Time to meditate and think and be alone. Because that’s the thing, do people on these shows have time to be alone? I thought to myself how well I got along with everyone, but that time of peace and serenity was so beneficial. It made me think, anything super long, like 3 months would make me miss being home and my apartment. Come ot think of it, how do I pay my rent? Do I just sublease my place for a few months? My God would I have a job when I got home?

I didn’t hook up during my stay at the cabin. There wasn’t anyone who peeked my interest. However I will say, the fear of having sex on a camera I am not holding is terrifying. My dad would go into cardiac arrest. Surprisingly I’m not worried about getting a job after not that. I feel like s many people go viral these days anyone can get a 9-5 whether they’ve been on tv or not. Unless you’re a Karen, if you go viral for harassing people, or wearing blackface, you probably won’t

The thing is I rag and have a lot of issues with reality TV, I personally couldn’t do it. However what I will say is, there are moments on shows that seem genuine and irreplaceable. People do find love in the craziest ways, and it also seems like you make relationships and bonds that no one else can understand unless they’ve been there. I just don’t think I’m cut out to be on a show. I would for the pure reason of getting my blog to more viewers. Other than that, it isn’t looking like it would bode to well for me.

But if you see me on a small screen near you… mind your business.