You're On The Bench

You are a catch. Let’s start there. You are a good person, you are fun, positive, calm, confident. You are attractive, driven and strong. People like to communicate with you and get along with you. Anyone would be lucky to have you. 

Have you ever found yourself longing for a person? Or maybe you’ve been on a couple dates with someone and things seem to be going pretty well, but there’s a barrier. Like if you hang out on a Friday you may not see them again for another two weeks. Or your conversations revolve around texting and an occasional facetime and that’s about it. Or maybe you’ve been dealing with someone for a while, you spend decent time together, you know their likes and dislikes, you may even have a sexual relationship, but the level of commitment just isn’t clear. 

You’re so stuck on this person, and you don’t understand why it isn’t going further than where you’re at. You like them, they seem to like you. There is some level of connection and intimacy there, but it just doesn’t seem to fully be going anywhere, its on the verge or the cusp but never actually gets there. They may tell you they’re not great at communicating, its complicated, they are oblivious, they aren’t ready, they need time. 

You know what it truly is though? 

Take a deep breath before you read the next line:

They don’t want to be with you.

At least not totally. 

And I know this is harsh. Usually in my love posts I am shitting on the other person and asking you to forgive them and yourself for experiencing mistreatment and abuse. Some of you may not like what I have to say, but I need us to take a little accountability this go around. 

See it isn’t that you aren’t doing enough, its not that you’re not pretty enough, handsome enough, smart enough, supportive enough, funny enough, rich enough, outgoing enough.. any of the enoughs. Its not necessarily that you lack anything. In fact they are seeing you and interested in you, because you come equipped with all these great attributes. 

They like you enough to spend time with you, rely on you, be entertained by you, casually date you, maybe even argue with you, but not enough to commit to you. 

Some people may take it personal, they may say they are getting played or vilify the person who was once the apple of their eye. But I want you to look at this from the realistic stand point that isn’t going to make you hate yourself and the dummy involved. Although, logically speaking you’re kind of the dummy in this situation. 

Just kidding, just kidding. 

They are benching you. 

See this person sees all the positive great wonderful things you bring to the table, in fact you may even bring the entire table, leaving them to only bring a chair, or if you provide that too, only have to bring themselves.

They keep you around because they like what you add to their life, but their intention to add more to yours is minimal. 

And thus you are being benched.

So what is benching you may ask? Benching is defined as "Putting someone on the back burner just in case you want to pick up and start dating them more seriously again." According the Bumble, the white woman's dating app, it is the human equivalent of the “maybe” pile one has in their closet. That analogy is incredible by the way, but seriously I am so guilty when it comes to this. Honestly any person who has fallen victim to benching should take it as a compliment. Its like your person of interest is saying “I see the potential and greatness you have  to offer. And after I’m finished being a fool over fuck boy number 1 and stop randomly entertaining fine ass idiot number 2, I know my end goal is you, or someone like you.” Probably not you though.

Benching is literally what its called, like in baseball, you’re good enough to get on the team, but not ever going to really play.

Benching usually comes in the form of a person having a group of people they are dating, and after about month or 2 when it is time to narrow down who they are interested in, they keep certain people around because they appreciate how that presence benefits  their life. I like to call this a roster. A roster is usually comprised of anywhere between 2-8 people a person is communicating with, and the higher you are on that list the more favored you are by that person. Maybe a person is super funny, or dependable, or the sex is good, or they have a nice car. People bring different aspects of themselves that keep them on this roster. But the truth is if you aren’t number 1 or 2, the chances of commitment are probably pretty scarce. We all, or atleast most of us have done this. In college my friends and I would have at minimum 5 potentials in our phones, and each person brought some sort of positivity to our lives. Speaking for myself, I kept certain people around because I wasn’t an idiot. I knew this person had everything going for them, and I knew they liked me, and I took advantage of it. The regret of missing out, even if I wasn’t totally into them, wasn’t something I wanted to risk. Its selfish yes, but it isn’t an insane concept when you think about it. 

The thing is just because someone is the whole package does not mean that package is for you. It is like on Christmas, when I was younger my sisters got this huge box and inside it had Barbie everything. The perfect gift, and I acted like it was for me a 13 year old, when it clearly was for them, two 8 years olds. And after five minutes I realized I had no interest in dolls in fact had stopped playing with them when I was 10. I returned Santa’s presents to their rightful owners. Looking back, I didn't even believe in Santa so what the fuck was I doing? Convincing myself that because something is great it should be mine. 

That's how hoarding starts.

The truth is though, benching isn’t fair, not to the people involved. As someone who has benched before I am well aware of the potential damage it can cause others. Most times when I am benching I am probably unbeknownst to myself sitting on someone else’s bench waiting to go up to bat. Or I was emotionally unavailable, and scared to be alone so decided to waste the time of some undeserving victim, who just wanted to get to know me. Now to be clear dating and benching are very different things. Dating is genuinely communicating with people to see the levels of compatibility when you are at a positive place in your life where you can share yourself with other deserving potential partners. Benching, is when it’s been 8 month of this shit and you’re still juggling a few people because you don’t necessarily want them, but you don’t want anyone else to have them either, benching is essentially what I did to Roger:

I’m going to tell you the story of Rodger, I was going to use the girl I dated a couple years back but she’s fucking nuts, she was too crazy to even be on the team much less the bench she might of fucked around and assaulted the coach. The coach being me, so we couldn’t risk that. 

See Roger, was, no sorry, is the total package. Roger is funny, smart, handsome outgoing. He is financially stable I am pretty sure making 6 figures. Rodger and I had a good time together. He took me out, fed me, we texted daily and facetimed. Roger made it very clear that he was interested in me, and seeing me on a serious level. We got along really well. Being with Roger wasn’t a settle and I was very aware of that, he probably even had a big penis too, I wouldn’t know we never made it that far. Roger was a good guy, but he wasn’t the guy for me. At the time when we met on a dating app I was talking to about 10 other guys, that narrowed down to actually 5 that made it off the app, to my phone, and eventually in person. I grappled between who entertained me and who validated me, because truthfully at that time that’s what I needed. I was still entangled with an ex, and working through redifining my independence, being alone and letting go. I probably was prematurely dating, but the thought of having nobody terrified me, and the need for a distraction by someone who no longer wanted me but still needed me was far too much to bare. I should have either been focusing on my mental health and goals or fucking someone who wouldn’t take up too much of my time. I of course chose neither. 

Eventually though, as time went by, after therapy, prayer, and lots of self work I became ready to date, and there my roster was, waiting patiently, with Roger at the tippy top, a strong number 2 or 3, but not number 1. I want to focus on that, he just wasn’t. Quit frankly I was sitting on my own bench, putting me and my needs before the opinions or feelings of others, which is fine. We as humans need to learn to put ourselves first, but we probably should communicate that. I should have told him I wasn’t ready to commit, and when I was ready it wouldn’t be with him. The thing is, Roger was wonderful, however something was amiss. I enjoyed his company but not long term. I liked having someone to talk to when I felt like talking. I liked being treated to a nice dinner or brunch every so often. Shit, who doesn’t like a good morning message? He treated me 10 times better than my ex who I was playing will they or wont they with like an idiot. He also had way more stability, but he wasn’t who I wanted. Not really. And I wasn’t mature enough to admit that, all I knew was I had something good in front of me and I should keep him around just in case. The thing is, your partner, that person you end up with, you don’t  see them as a just in case. You see them as someone who you value who is worth trying to get to know well enough to see something grow. 

Don’t feel sorry for Roger too much, Hell, he was number 2 or 3, feel bad for nigga number like 7 I can’t even remember that guy’s name. The thing is, you don’t realize the impact you have on someone’s life. I have had guys I have dated tell me after the fact how my presence impacted them, and more importantly how my exit affected them. The fizzle with no follow up that I used to cowardly fall from their radar when I didn’t find any use or gratification in the relationship was wrong. I thought that they wouldn’t notice, or that “everyone does it so it makes it okay” when honestly it’s a really pussy move. To keep someone on ice for so long and then follow up with melting the ice. It wasn’t till I was addressed about my exit that I realized how wrong I was for benching people. To be asked what a person did wrong when the answer was they did absolutely nothing, made me feel guilty and also gave me a reality check, that  I had been in that position before. Trying to prove to someone that I was worth giving a chance.

I made the dumbass decision to date a married man for a year. No one can take responsibility for that outside of me. There wasn’t a gun to my head, I damn sure wasn’t paid (unless you can count the couple of Tiffany purchases and a few gel full set manicures). I decided to be an Olivia Pope meets Mary Jane Paul all on my own. Okay so they’re separated. For all intense purposes and dramatic effect, I still dealt with all the bullshit that comes from dealing with an emotionally unavailable man. The rollercoaster relationship, the great sex, the good company, and the inevitable ending that it was leading too. I began asking myself why the fuck was I doing this? I loved him very much don’t get me wrong. I also know that he was incredibly selfish and had way to much baggage to also juggle me. Eventually we broke up and decided to be friends. Teetering between getting back together when he was ready and salvaging what was left of a friendship. Spoiler alert: neither happened. During our times of friendship, he relied on me intimately, emotionally, and honestly vice versa. We were in this creepy tug of war between who could love the other person less, but rely on them more, and he was winning. He would tell me “we are going to end up together, it may not be 3 months, maybe not 6 months, maybe a year... but it will happen” and I honestly got tired of waiting, because he didn’t really make anything worth the wait. I was doing everything in my power to prove how great I was for him, and in my opinion he couldn’t see it. Upon our ending, we barely talked but that wasn’t without him asking for one more favor. The man felt comfortable enough to ask me to put his lease in my name temporarily, but had zero intentions of really committing to me. This was confirmed when a mere two weeks later he posted a photo of himself and his new girlfriend. See it wasn’t that he didn’t see all those great qualities in me, he saw them that’s why he used them, he relied on me for intimate conversations, comfort, and almost at one point my mf good credit. However, I ultimately was just a person on his bench, it didn’t matter how much history we had. 

Honestly it stung, it hurt my feelings, it hurt my ego, it betrayed my trust. It even fucked with my self esteem and self worth. But I had to realize a few things, one I wanted to be nothing like my ex, I didn’t want my desperation for personal fulfilment to hurt people who truly love me. I also didn’t want his actions and decisions to define me. 

I knew people benching me did not determine who I am or make me less of a great catch. It is the same for everyone else. Just because I wasn’t valued, does not make me less valuable. Nor will it cause me to change who I am. I am all those positive qualities that I see in myself, if I wasn’t people wouldn’t be so drawn to me. Benching is an act that occurs when someone sees the best in you but can’t be with you, you just aren’t who their heart is drawn to for one reason or another. I realized the unintentional pain my ex boyfriend caused was probably similar to the pain I caused someone at one point or another. I know I am a great person and worth the effort, time, patience, and kindness, So why should I treat other people actually trying to get to know me and be with me as less than? It is selfish to put someone on hold and entertain them only to stroke your ego or get what you want from them. Everyone deserves an equal chance to meet someone that they can actually see themselves growing with. If you keep people in a box and string them along because it is convenient you run this risk of hurting their feelings and quite frankly coming off like an asshole. 

So in the meantime, you’re stuck on this potential love interest, and you’re wondering “OK but how do I get off the bench?” maybe after reading this long ass blog you’re still making excuses for this person. “but were twin flames” “they’re my soulmate in another life” “our chemistry is insane” I know, I understand all those things, and I know that tarot card reader on tik tok is telling you “they’re thinking of you, they want to be with you, they’re coming back” The truth is

That’s all fucking cap. 

Because if they wanted to they would, and even if they do want to, they haven’t. Sure part of those statements are true you all may have chemistry, they may think about you, miss you even…but there’s a reason they aren’t with you and it is no longer your responsibility or burden to figure out why. If they miss out, they miss out. Don’t hold out for them to see what’s right in front of them, because in one way or another they do, they just don’t appreciate enough. This is coming from someone who has totally missed out on great experiences because I just wasn’t completely interested for one reason or another. 

So, the answer to getting off the bench is … getting the fuck off the bench and leaving that person alone. The truth is you should not settle for someone because you are afraid to be alone, you should settle because they are rich. Kidding, you should be fair to yourself and allow yourself to meet someone who will really appreciate you. Give yourself time to let this person go, talk out the pain they caused, allow yourself to mourn them missing in your life. After that though, work on moving on. Whether that is spending time with yourself, friends, and family working on projects, going to therapy and getting to the bottom of why you’re addicted to a mf who doesn’t give a fuck about you… sorry I am so harsh today, going to therapy to understand why you are attracting certain people and how to find what and who you’re truly looking for. It’s going to suck in the beginning, and it may take longer than you like, I always generally need like 6 months which is embarrassing to admit, infact I refuse to break up with my current boyfriend because it’ll prob take me like 3 years to get over him. However, it does get better. You meet someone who really is interested in you. They want to know about your likes and dislikes, they care about you and your feelings and couldn’t imagine putting you on a bench because they actually have good taste. If I didn’t let go of past exes or I was still focused on keeping a roster to distract myself from working on my innerself, I probably wouldn’t’ be in the healthy positive place I am now. 

And do not ever look at it as a loss, because you are a total package to. You have so much offer, but have zero time to be sitting on anyone’s bench.  You have options and opportunity so think smart, be kind, and choose wisely because trust me there’s so much better out there.