How Exactly To Take Constructive Criticism

My boyfriend and I are very close. We spend as much time as we can together, he’s become my best friend and biggest confidant. I didn’t think I would find a partner like him, and it’s funny we’ve known each other for years, yet seeing him in this light is refreshing.

But Y’all didn’t come on here to read about my humble brag about my nigga though.

Spending time together is nice, and as much as going out is fun, we can be homebodies, a majority of our time is spent  inside watching movies, or working, or….

It honestly is good practice for when we live together, you learn a lot when you are intimately and solely with one person. Have you ever seen those memes about wanting to just “lay up” fully equipped with those corny ass drawings of a guy laying on a girl while he plays video games. Yea that shit is cute and all, but what they don’t tell you is that as your romanticizing these adorable Netflix and chill scenarios the more you start to do it, the more you notice certain habits… suddenly those dishes are piling up, or the bed isn’t made to your liking, if you live alone, or with roommates, or with your family you still know there are things that you want done a certain way, and habits that you are accustom too. And see this goes for both ways, but what I realized is, I am way better at complaining and nagging than I am about being told where I can improve.

My boyfriend works in a lab and from home, and I go into the office. Last Wednesday, I facetimed him to ask what he wanted to do for dinner, we chatted about ordering in or cooking and finally I got to the point of the conversation where I reminded him of the house chores that neede to be done. He could either make the bed or the kitchen. He surprised me with responding that he was in the process of cleaning  the kitchen already. Okay not really surprise, he’s probably reading this right now, so I am being shady. He did however express that there were some things in the kitchen that were not going to fly when we live together.

I pulled my high horse over and hopped off the saddle.

“like what?” – I asked

“Baby, the microwave, it’s … we have to wipe this out the microwave cannot look like this.”

Silence

“anything else?” – I questioned

“well now that you mention it?” – he replied

“what?!?” – I exclaimed

“The refrigerator, I don’t know what is in the bottom of that drawer, but it needs to be cleaned out.”

Now let me be clear, these two items, were not his mess, we didn’t make it together, I made it as an accumulation of putting deep cleaning off. I also need to note I’m not this super gross person, I have low enough self esteem and a high enough ego to know that my apartment needs to be tight when people visit so they can fill my head up with how nice it is. However, the nigga was right, my microwave was overdue for a cleaning and my fridge, I don’t even know what I spilled but it is sticky and black and looks like the location of the BP oil spill.

BUT I DIDN’T NEED HIM TO TELL ME THAT. I immediately jumped to the defense, a little bit of an attituded followed by a list of grievances that I had about his habits. My instant goal was to even the playing field, however the thing is my partner wasn’t playing a game with me. He was sharing something that I could work on because he loves me, not to spite me. He cares enough to tell me something I don’t want to hear not with the intention to put me down, but to validate that he trusts me enough to share his feelings and wants better for me.

See I just said a bar, but I didn’t feel that way in the moment. After being defensive I took it personally, I spiraled “ugh I’m dirty” “what is wrong with me” often we vilify the person sharing criticism so that we can better victimize ourselves. Victimize is a strong word, I am aware of that. Most times if someone is telling you that you victimize yourself, and  they aren’t a licensed professional they are either misusing the word or trying to be a dick ad gaslight you. Only you know when you are victimizing yourself, because you know the difference of when you are a victim and when you want to feel vindicated.

Taking constructive  criticism sucks because who wants to be told where they are lacking or slacking. When we watch reality tv its so easy to objectively point when a person is in the wrong or could use assistance in a situation, but when it’s you its difficult to see and even harder to accept.  If you’re anything like me you just don’t like being told about yourself in general. For me being anything less than perfect is unfathomable, but you know what it also is? Delusion. We are ever evolving beings, it is natural that we are going to make mistakes, that we need to grow and learn, and it is important to have people in our life to share with us where we can be better. If you don’t take advice you are given you’ll only end up repeating the same behavior. We all know this, but it doesn’t change that icky feeling of being addressed when we are wrong. For me it comes with embarrassment, shame, and fear. Whether it is an incident at work, or a suggestion about my clothes, or my cleaning habits being brought to my attention.. I struggle  not to take it personal. Can you blame me? It is about me, of course I am going to take it to heart or be protective of my feelings. Usually I am embarrassed when it is brought to my attention, I am ashamed that it had to be brought to my attention, and I am fearful that I will make the same mistakes again.

I lost a best friend a few months ago, she’s not dead.. we’re just pretty much dead to each other. I have thought about what our friendship and my takeaway and criticism about where I could have been a better friend to help prevent the heartbreak of us losing each other. I was embarrassed and ashamed and ultimately as I have made newer, closer friends, I have been fearful that I would make the same mistakes.

I realized as it turns out, I don’t have the best advice on how to address taking constructive criticism to better yourself, and thus I went to Instagram and posted about my inability to be told I am anything less than perfect. I was surprised by the feedback, of course the one time I am complaining about my relationship I get almost 400 views. Fuck you algorithm, but the responses I got were interesting, positive, and above all helpful. This blog literally writes itself.

I loved that people had the ability to be self-aware, to know from trial and error what you’re supposed to do and how to react when being given constructive criticism to allow you to be a better person. Most of the people who responded, I knew personally and could tell that they actually were strong enough in themselves to take criticism.

A few of the strongest takeaways were from people who are teachers, relators, accountants, podcast managers, speech pathologists, financial advisors, hairstylists , bartenders,  and coaches. People who pretty much dedicated their lives to working with others, which meant they were bound to hear things they didn’t like at some point or another.

Taking constructive criticism can mean becoming adapted to the unknown, you have the one up on yourself, like a possible cheat code to your own game:

“My ability to take criticism comes from a place I’m not entirely proud of - YET. But when I hear it, it turns a light bulb in my head to pay attention to. Like hm, this is something I’ve never heard before, I’m interested in hearing more.

I enjoy hearing criticism because it almost prepares me for the unknown (of what I don’t know about myself, in some cases) and I’m getting adapted to the unknown. It makes me feel I have a one up on myself.” – B, Accountant and Manager

“It isn’t always easy you may find yourself thinking: what makes this person bold enough to think they know me? That’s my protective side. But it’s also interested in the parts I can work on and fix that others cannot see.”

Constructive criticism can be relative it is about who we are taking it from, some people have your best interest in mind while others just want to put you down because of their own internalized agendas:

“Whenever someone is critiquing you, I think it’s important to 1. Understand who is critiquing you- someone who cares about you, some random on the internet, etc. And 2. What are they trying to achieve with their critique? If it’s a loved one, they mean well, because I mean they loves you, and are  trying to get you to see something from their point of view! If it’s someone who doesn’t have expertise in what they’re critiquing you on, maybe just take it with a grain of salt! Understanding and differentiating those two things I think will help you feel less bothered about constructive criticism.

Sometimes, we struggle with constructive criticism because it’s a trigger, maybe the way you grew up wasn’t always the easiest or healthiest environment. Growing up, I witnessed putdowns on myself and on people I loved, so when told that I could do better it is difficult not to go to the extreme and internalize:

“Take the criticism and keep it cute, sometimes you just have to know where its coming from and separate the two”

All can agree learning to take constructive criticism  takes patience, it takes time and growth and isn’t an overnight thing. However, remember to take things with love when its from a positive place, and with a thank you when its from mfs who may not have your best interest at heart and are talking just to talk. You should be able to distinguish between the two. Taking constructive criticism isn’t fun, anyone who tells you they love it is a serial killer or apart of an MLM and trying to get you to join.. but it does help make a better you in the long run.

So yes, I did clean that microwave, the fridge, and other notes he made that I don’t have the gaul to mention in this blog post. Remember you aren’t the only person struggling with this, but the end goal is to make you a better you, sometimes the slight sting is necessary and worth it.