Why Your Single Phase Is Needed

Last night I got off a conference call for work and transitioned into an argument with my boyfriend. It was over dinner, among other things, but vegan burgers is what ignited it. We usually don’t’ argue much, and when we do its more so a disagreement and discussion. We don’t curse and we definitely don’t yell. But after close to a year, every so often there are those fights. Those fights where your chest is pounding and your brow furrows. Arguments where your palms are sweating and you’re staring at the other person who suddenly looks foreign. Those fights where you know your neighbors either have their ear to the wall or are considering filing a noise complaint. As I’ve gotten older I realized people who romanticize these altercations,  “rollercoaster” relationships or  “being toxic” are insane. There is nothing fun about yelling or being yelled at by the person you love the most. 

As I was screaming I looked around the room. It hit me like a ton of bricks (LOL IT NOT HIS FIST THIS STORY DOES NOT GO OJ SIMPSON) my apartment had become, our apartment: his laptop sat on the coffee table, his sweatshirt hung lazily on the chair, hell the comforter that we just bought together, picking something we both liked. Even if he decided to get up and leave more than 50% of his wardrobe hung in closets and cabinets. He didn’t feel threatened or uncomfortable or ready to leave, because unlike my past lighthearted lovers, this was something permanent. The two of us had to sit and figure out a solution to our problem. It was a true testimony to commitment. As we calmed down, had a discussion, forgave each other, and eventually made dinner I thought about how exhausted I was and relieved we made up. I also thought about the reality of where my life was. 

When I was single I always said I should enjoy this time alone cause it isn’t going to be this way for long. For the past few years after my first major break up, I reminded myself that this time was pivotal. When I moved into my own apartment, when I was celibate for 8 months, when I went through the heartbreak before my current partner. The thought remained: enjoy this time because it isn’t going to be forever. It is what got me through times where I was lonely, times where I cried, times where I was stressed trying to figure things out. It ultimately got me through times where I was relaxing doing nothing but smoking a joint and eating Qdoba on the couch while watching Bob’s Burgers. I would think: Enjoy this time, experience this time, because it is temporary. 

I recall talking to co workers and telling them the same thing in reference to my job and where I will end up, and Sierra my good friend on our way to the mall talking to her about how I planned on paying rent in the future. I constantly was aware that my time alone is precious because it won’t be this way forever. The truth is I didn’t know if real commitment would come at 27,28,32,41, I wasn’t sure—but I knew it would be here and when it was, I wanted to make sure there was no longing for my single life. 

We get to know ourselves in phases. Childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, adults, seniors—we are always changing and rearranging. We are evolving beings, I recognize that in 10 years I’ll likely be a mother, and my writing will be so different than it is now, because my experiences will be different. So it’s important to be present as much as possible, to get to know who you are as best you can, because you are not going to be yourself as you know it for long. 

Right after high school I fell in love. Let’s call him Leon, because the block is hot. Leon was 3 years older than me and as I was entering my freshman year at Howard, he was finishing college as a senior. We got together 2 weeks after I graduated and I fell in love with him within the first month. I was positive I was going to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together. There was one incredible difference that I wish I knew earlier. Despite our other bs. Despite arguments, juggling long distance, irreconcilable differences. I think the biggest thing that sunk us was our age and the phase we were in life. I was just entering college, I hadn’t been to a bar before, I didn’t know my life without my parents, my house anything. He had experienced major firsts and was entering true young adulthood. I had dreams and expectations of a relationship without really knowing what I liked or wanted. He had a reality check much sooner than I did but wasn’t mature enough to explain or express that. Plus he was into whi- nevermind. The point is, we weren’t right for each other sure, but after 5 years I grew up so much and realized that we also were in no position to make a major decision about the rest of our lives at that particular time. Though he was a comfort for me, a true friend, someone who knew the good and the ugly, he wasn’t my end all be all, because neither of us were in the position to give each other that. When you’re young you are just trying to figure out what the hell you are supposed to do with your life. That in itself changes every so often. As it should!! Your evolution in your young adolescent time is so important because it helps form your future you. 

Now listen, I am not saying break up with your boyfriend if you are under 25. I have seen high school sweethearts evolve together and end up in beautiful partnerships. It is possible, in fact if you are secure in your relationship you can stop reading because this is for my friends who are single and antsy. Those who are waiting and waiting for their forever person, and not noticing that they are in the most precious time in their life. 

When Leon and I broke up I wasn’t devastated at first. Initially I was tired. Tired of being upset, and upset that I was always tired. Then I was afraid. The realization that I had broken up my guaranteed life and future family. Afraid that I would end up alone, and afraid that I was alone right now. So I went to into panic mode. Right after my alleged hoe phase, came my commitment phase. Every guy was “the one” even when it was clear as day they weren’t. I think we remember my ankle monitor guy melodrama. Eventually after a while, after convincing myself I was a “relationship person” I took a hard look at myself and concluded that I just didn’t want to be by myself. 

So as the years progressed, because it would be about 3 and another heartbreak before my next real relationship, I started to take stock in how important it was to be single;. How important it was to get to know me, to be the best version of myself in case no one came along, or unless I was in the grocery store one day and finally met Mr. Right. 

Being single and living alone taught me a few things. The first is that I had more freedom now than I ever had in my entire life. I was able to decorate my apartment my way. I could walk around in my panties, leave dishes in the sink without worrying about someone leaving a note. I could watch tv as loud as I want, I didn’t have to compromise on dinner or weekend plans. I could have sex with whoever I wanted, even if it was myself.

I got true privacy. I was forced to turn my home into a safe haven because my independence was the one thing without a doubt I had control over.  It wasn’t always easy. Like it or not I was responsible for myself. Sometimes I had to give myself a hug. If I invited the wrong people into my space I had to deal with the repercussions of that. I eventually learned the difference between being along and being lonely. Because there is a difference—one is trauma and one is a choice. Being alone created my love for writing, it helped me find direction.

I got the chance to really accept me for me, which as cliché as that sounds is one of the most honest things a person can go through. You have to think about mortality and your time on earth and the fact that change is constant whether its job security, friends, the weather, the economy. No matter what life brings you or gives you or takes away from you – as long as you are alive you will be you, so it’s better to get to know, like, and love that fact instead of trying to include attributes to make it tolerable. 

Being single isn’t just about getting to know you by yourself it is totally about getting to know you through someone else. When I was single I got to date. I dated men with money I dated men who were broke. I dated people I questioned how the fuck they got my number to begin with. I dated people that showed me the way a woman should be treated. With every person I learned something about myself and learned something about what I want. I learned how to treat people to, it helped prepare me for the infitie love I was about to receive. My mother always said you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I just say, you need to experience the parts to build the nigga you want. Dating is exhausting don’t get me wrong, and it can feel never-ending or like it won’t work out. You get tired of telling people what you do for a living and asking about their astrological signs. I learned with dating that I want to experience a person and just because it doesn’t work out doesn’t mean there is something wrong with either us. In fact there are people that I have dated that I ended up becoming friends with, and I’m happy I met them. 

Speaking of friends. While you are single, MAKE THEM!! This time is so important because you intimately get to know your friends. The thing is we feel the need to consistently water our romantic relationships, and that is true catering to them will help them grow. However it is equally as important to invest in our platonic ones. Your friends are going to be there for you through the ups and downs. What’s the point of having a wedding if you don’t end up having anyone to invite? The goal is to have 3 friends in this life that you can consider someone of value to you and vice versa. Someone to get to know you on a personal level without there being any other connotation with it. We all need a person to enjoy life with and who we can talk to and spend time with in general. Someone who will have your back, spend time with you, and really invest in your energy as you invest in theirs. One of my best takeaways from being single was my time getting to know people. I really learned about my friends and they learned about me. We rooted for each other and spent time in each others worlds. We connected and built bonds that mean just as much to me as my boyfriend’s and I. I love them, and I am so happy about the sisterhood I built. I also just got to meet new people. I had more time to go out, and get to know someone and my character personality trait wasn’t about having a boyfriend. I got to spend time with people and network.

I experienced great friends and I also experienced temporary friends. The point is my energy got to touch upon others while they impacted mine. When I got into a relationship my time was spent less with them which made sense, between work, and writing and my boyfriend I had less time to share. That time you are single is so important because you can designate more time and effort to multiple things and people. I got to experience trips, and parties, and restaurants, and sleepovers. I got really bad hangovers and had really crazy nights. I got times where we just sat on the couch and did nothing, but nothing didn’t feel like nothing because I was doing it with people I loved. 

Your time being single is just that- your time. It is your time to survive it is your time to experience and it is your time to live. Don’t miss out because you are so focused on finding or being a partner that you wake up years later with no true idea who you are. 

If you’re single right now, enjoy it—don’t rush it and don’t spend the majority of it looking for it to end. Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly happy, I love my boyfriend with every ounce of my being—but the truth is, when you work on yourself and loving you, that love will come. And if it doesn’t, or it comes a little later than anticipated, that’s oaky too. The point is enjoy your time. Because this life is precious. If you’re on the fence, way out your pros and cons and know that if you do choose to be single--  it won’t be forever. Your partner may still need to do some growing as well or there could be someone completely new out there for you. Either way time is for you to figure out, so take it wisely and enjoy it as much as you can.