I Stopped Talking Crap About Myself Now I’m That B****

I had a man tell me that women have to much confidence sometimes.

I can’t wait to never talk to him again.

See, to me that was the stupidest shit I have ever heard. Why shouldn’t I, a person, have confidence? This of course was after telling him I personally haven’t had to approach a man in a public setting that I was interested in. Men usually approached me first. He scoffed at my response. The thing was he asked, and I answered honestly. Something about me not being a fucking handmaiden must have intimated him because his initial response was “well excuse me”

The thing I have noticed is that, if a man is confident its’ sexy, he seems alluring and driven. He’s not faulted for being cocky. If a woman is confident, she should “take it down” she’s too full of herself or stuck up.

Fuck you.

Honestly this isn’t me having a chip on my shoulder over a nigga who lost his chances to even smell it, let alone hit.  

It is the continuous frustration that we as a people are so hard on ourselves, that when we do sit up and say “no I’m pretty great, I’m happy with myself” we are, shunned.

OH NO YOU’RE TOO CONFIDENT,OH NO SEE THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I whole-heartedly, sincerely, genuinely, honestly, truly, believe that I am that bitch.

I am a strong beautiful, smart, funny. compassionate, intelligent black woman.

I am independent, I am social, I am loving, I am real, I am light, I am warmth.

I say that because I believe it, but more so because I need you to read that and genuinely discover it about yourself. You are so much more than what you have been giving yourself credit for.

I feel like we need to acknowledge this, as people, but specifically as women.

As someone who spent so much of her time being insecure and down on herself. I spent time chasing after the recognition of men who don’t even deserve half the woman I am, seeking the validation from them to help me feel something positive about myself.

 All my hard work, working to be a good person, writing, getting my degree, securing a well paying job, being a role model, a friend, a daughter, sister was almost in vain if my self worth could be knocked by some idiot who can barely see what I see in them. So how could they possibly see anything in me?

I can blame it on a number of things, daddy issues, my first crush being a white lacrosse player (forgive me ancestors), my entire culture being swept up in filtered images and social media catfishes. I can really dive into the source of my insecurities. But I’m a grown woman who has a therapist for that, so I don’t really need to share that with you all.

Instead I am going to tell you the ways that I actually started seeing myself for who I truly am, and why you shouldn’t feel ashamed to do the same.

Let me start with the why.  I got tired. When I was younger I kept waiting for the future. I had this idea that when I was older and hit peek ages I would suddenly bloom into this beautiful being, like Cinderella from rags to riches. However life isn’t a fairytale and newsflash you don’t need a 80 year old fairy to tell you that the beauty was within the whole time. As I got older I would look back at photos of myself. I was so cute, dressed tacky occasionally, suffered from a bit of heat damage sure, but I was cute. More importantly, even in my darkest days I looked at those around me. I was with friends or family, I had so many memories where people were making me laugh and I was making others happy. I kept thinking the same thing: why have I wasted so much time being hard on myself? I felt like there was so much I had going for me had I not put so much effort focusing on what was missing. And another thing, I WAS NOT AS CHUBBY AS I THOUGHT I WAS. My God, there were so many times I called myself fat? Why?? Titties weren’t even the ginormous sandbags they are now. Stop calling yourself fat okay, because you aren’t. You just ate like a grain of sand a day in high school and now you’re an adult, and that doesn’t suffice and those hips that Kylie Jenner bought are coming to you naturally, and you haven’t figured out the right diet and work out regiment yet.

The truth is I was hard on myself, so when it would come to dating, I would attract low lives. Certain friends thought it was okay to treat me like a punching bag, because I treated myself that way. I was so insecure and feared abandonment that I put up with these kind of people because if they left they’d be proving all the negative thoughts I have, right. The universe is going to give you what you put out. It’s like eating, if you eat Fudgesicles all day every day, you’re going to look and feel unhealthy. Even if there’s short satisfaction, long term it doesn’t benefit you. I realize, you have to make the effort to see yourself better, and want better, and try to be better. You then start to attract better, and more importantly you start to feel better because you are putting a positive effort in the one thing that matters the most: your wellbeing.

I think it was some time between sleeping with a man while his ankle monitor was on and a man who told me he was married, that I thought “you gotta do better sis”

Truly, it was when I realized that there isn’t time to wait to love myself fully. That if I wanted better for myself if I wanted to attract better in my love life, if I wanted to make more money and pursue my dreams successfully, if I wanted to cut out toxic people in my life..I would have to start to value myself and not lower my soul to a standard that I wouldn’t condone for others but made notion for me.

Read that again.

I hadn’t achieved things as big as my own place, to as small as a making my bed in the morning, by luck. It was because there is light and love in me that deserves to be acknowledged and appreciated, sure by other people, but most importantly by me.

I started doing daily affirmations. I have shared these before. Just to reiterate I wake up every morning and during my morning routine I say my affirmations. I tell myself that I am beautiful, I am evolving, I am funny, I am insanely creative. I say all the loving things I want to hear. I remind myself that God has this universe looking out for me. Even days I don’t feel it, I keep saying them. I speak them into existence, and sure the first time is a little awkward, but the more often I say them the more I believe them.

I noticed that what you say and what you listen to makes a difference. If the fuckboys can praise Future, we ladies should listen to music to uplift us too. We are living in a time where there are so many female rappers, and more importantly women aren’t crying over a nigga who sleeps with only 1 pillow on his bed. Women are making music to uplift each other. We talk about our gorilla grip pussy for us. I make a conscious effort to listen to music that makes me feel good. I love master manifesters people like A. Boogie, 50 cent, Meg Thee Stallion, Jazmin Sullivan, Saweetie, Mulatto. I listen to music that make me feel beautiful and strong. So yea, that means take a little break from Brent Faiyez and any artist who spends the bulk of his music calling women bitches. I also refuse to listen to Jason Derulo, but that’s for a totally unrelated reason, he doesn’t like black women. Yea folks’ you heard it here, probably not first, but I’m saying it now. Jordin Sparks was a weak pass, and I should know. I look like Jordin Sparks.

In general, I make an effort to listen to music that makes me feel good about myself, instead of crying about someone else. Of course there’s always those times where I need a nice slow song. Driver’s License and I Hope are major bangers, if you haven’t heard either of those songs, play them after reading, and give those white women their flowers. I just know if I want to feel good about myself, I need to focus on listening to things that are going to help my mood not hinder it.

As I listen to my Flo Milli and remind myself that I am, in fact that bitch, I started to wear things that enforced that belief. I tried different colors in my hair, something that years ago dating some idiot would not have seemed modest. I would not have had the guts because I didn’t think I could ‘pull it off’. I’d blame my job for not approving, or someone else judging me. Opinions, and I mean this sincerely, I couldn’t give a mother fuck about in the long run. I started wearing make up, not much but enough to make myself feel pretty. And emphasis on myself.  I didn’t beat my face and send it to my exboyfriend for validation. I would do my hair, wear the blouse I was once scared I looked to fat in, I would wear make up to run errands I made more of an effort to feel good about myself, for myself.

It isn’t always about what’s on the outside, it’s about inwards too. I took out my birth control, which is about as related as my quip on Jason Derulo. I know that I felt better. My sense of intuition felt stronger. I also lost a shit ton of water weight. I started eating healthier. That doesn’t mean a grapefruit and some salt packets a day. I ate food that tasted good and was good for me. I cut out foods that made me feel sluggish. I, and here comes the sighs and rolled eyes, stopped smoking so much weed and drinking so heavily. I knew for me, being hungover and eating crazy fattening foods or being fried out of my mind and over eating to compensate and distract me from the intense thoughts, was leaving me with nothing but a fupa and a sink full of dirty dishes. I began taking walks, going outside more, stretching. I’m not saying you have to be in the gym 24/7 and  clog your insta story with boomerangs of you in TJ Maxx leggings and a mask on. I am saying though, making an effort to be good to your body equally benefits your mind.

And while we are on the topic. Stop going on social media so fucking much. There literally is an algorithm that is designed to promote celebrities and paying customers and limit your own exposure, so you post more for a better chance to get more likes and comments… likes and comments from people who you either love and hear from all the time so you take for granted, or you don’t know and shouldn’t need their validation anyway.

You know why you have anxiety when posting like anything ever? Because the only people that watch your story are people from high school, occasionally a toxic ex, and his shitty new girlfriend from a burner account. Get off social media it isn’t doing anything for your self esteem.

Unless its Tik Tok, China doesn’t give a fuck about your data, download Tik Tok and have a laugh. And keep Instagram alive enough so that the Kardashians and Instagram models stay over there, and normal people like us can continue to enjoy the app.

During the free time I had now that my eyes were not glued to Instagram I prayed, I journaled, and I spent time alone. I take the time to really enjoy my own company. That means silence. Praying to God thanking him for my life. Being grateful for something as simple as waking up this morning, to this big juicy ass I have. Sorry kidding, the Lord knows my sense of humor. I do pray, it isn’t about asking for something all the time, a lot of times its counting my blessings. I end up feeling so much better and so present instead of wanting more and being unappreciative of what I have. God sees the best in you. He sees the light in you that you see in others, he sees you for who you are. Regardless of what you’ve done, you are so loved, and he places people in your life who love you to continue to show you that.

The more I appreciated me, and myself, the more I stopped caring about what others think, especially these little boys. I don’t have haters I just don’t think I’m relevant enough for that. I personally know the 4 people in this world who don’t like me. Two of them whooped my ass already, the other is my best friend’s cousin, and the last is an ex who’s a Prozac pill away from seeing 15 to life so I actually hope she’s not reading this – more importantly I stopped letting the actions of people who are supposed to love me dim my light. I haven’t completely stopped comparing myself to others, but at the very least I cut out the major influences, I stopped focusing on the opinions of those who don’t value me, and stopped comparing myself to those who I don’t have the full story about.

I stopped allowing others flawed lenses define the way I viewed myself. After break ups I think a lot of us suffer with questioning our self worth. How could this person not want me? However that saying “its not you its me” is real. I put so much emphasis on the opinion of a person who didn’t see what was right in front of him that I allowed it to dictate how I viewed myself. This usually is why people should not rebound. The rebound is usually some sorry version of what you dealt with, or they are a really great person to fall in your lap that you aren’t ready for. Regardless when it ends with them, you are left feeling alone. Unwanted and alone. It’s not healthy ladies and gentleman. So after my break up I dated around and it wasn’t until about month 5 or 6 I realized I need to just be alone for a while.  I needed to rebuild that confidence that I let get broken down due to the actions of a person who didn’t deserve me in the first place.

I spend time with people who genuinely care about me. I realized I wasn’t asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong mother fucker. Those friends who “meant well” but were mean or toxic or always had some sort of drama with zero accountability, hear a lot less from me now. My tolerance for bullshit, like what that fool from the beginning of this blog was feeding me, is minimal. I spend time talking to people who genuinely make me feel good. Those who I call on the phone or text or facetime are a part of my circle because their energies make me happy. They make me feel good about myself, because they see the light in me that I occasionally don’t give credit for. Surround yourself with people who make you smile, who make you laugh, who actually give a shit about your wellbeing, not just when it benefits them. Positivity from your peers really does build a better you from within.

Lastly I forgave myself. I forgave myself for being so hard on me, judging me, and not loving me the way I  deserved, but expecting someone else as equally damaged to. I forgave myself for wasting my own time. I forgave myself for mistakes I made regardless of the information I had or the space I was in. It’s taken a while and sometimes I have my lower days, but it is so possible to love yourself fully and you owe that to you yourself. When you change your outlook not only are good things coming, its inevitable but you just enjoy the waiting process a lot more.

Sincerely,

A woman who knows she is a mf 10 and is waiting for you to see it in yourself too