I Want To Congratulate You For Just Waking Up and Showing Up

This morning my commute felt off. It may have started by being called a dumb bitch by a 12-year-old on the escalator at the train station. Or maybe it was being asked for directions, even though I have no sense of direction by an older couple where I had to think twice about my answer for the next 5 stops. Maybe it was the fact that I listened to not one but TWO murder podcasts before 10:00am, it might even have been the giant football sized rat I saw on the train tracks. Whatever it is, I woke up with a sense of enchantment that quickly transformed into a sense of just hanging on.  I was already exhausted, my dreams had me moving way more than I wanted to. Have you ever felt tired from your dreams? Like they were so action packed in your subconscious that consciously you are feeling the result of it.  I tried to over compensate by diving into my morning routine, making my bed, drinking water, and then filming my video journal entry. But all it did was make me face  truths that I didn’t feel too great about. Which is the point right? I am supposed to address how I feel so I don’t do something crazy like overshare in a blog or some- the point is I realized I was grasping at straws to feel good today.

I follow a couple friends on Twitter that safe to say are kicking ass. They’re doing really well. I was catching up on their daily accomplishments while silently begging myself not to compare my blog, and how I should be a famous writer by now, or the fact that my biggest achievement was not spending over 300 dollars on food and liquor over the weekend. I thought everyone seems to be doing extremely well, and I am just kind of floating. What I noticed is, I tend to pay attention and give acknowledgement to things that don’t really matter, like the rat I saw at 9:30am minding his business. Or the fact that I actually gave the right direction to the couple, but it was more important to me that I was nervous on how I came off. Instead of the fact that someone actually looked at me as a safe, decent human being to ask. Even if you look at my tweets its usually me bitching about my morning commute instead of acknowledging I have somewhere to commute to. When I get in this negative headspace I start to think about all the awful things I have done in the past, and how I am not where I am supposed to be, and how I can write feel good messages when I don’t always feel good, and does that make me a fraud? I was going to write a post about dating today, I actually was done with about 40% of it when I just felt this sudden pull to share this message, mostly because I needed to read it myself: I woke up and I showed up and everything that pours into that should be recognized.

I follow this girl from my high school on all social media platforms. I’ve debated on whether or not to use her name, because we weren’t exactly friends, I may have spoken to her all of once, and since I still can’t decide I am going to just move on with the story. She was always incredibly beautiful and pretty popular and well liked. This doesn’t mean I was the weirdo in the corner wishing I was her or anything. This is not Jeanette from Cruel Summer and black people don’t do weird shit like that. However, I did admire her, at least the way she carried herself. And years later, on Twitter it seems no different. See, it isn’t that she is selling flat tummy teas, or over exaggerating about her life,  chock full of edited photos. It was that the blips of her story that she shared just seem genuine. Spending time with friends, going on trips, and trying to live a life as fulfilled as possible. Mostly though, I like her outlook on things. She tweeted the other day that she had been at her job for about 4 years and had gained 4 promotions and she was really proud of what she learned and accomplished. The post made me pause, as I too realized, I have been working at my job for 5 years and have made 4 promotions. I came on not even finished with my degree, but graduated, and make now double what I started. I make decisions, sit in, and run meetings looking around and noticing that I am possibly the youngest in the room (outside of the most obvious being a black woman.) The thing is though, most times I don’t look at it that way. Usually, I question myself as to can I get any other job, and am I really happy, and is it weird I have been here so long? It’s like I am hellbent on being dissatisfied instead of acknowledging how far I’ve come.

I started realizing those people who post all the positive things they’re doing with their life, are probably truly doing well don’t get me wrong, but they’re also sharing their wins to acknowledge they are happening. Now this isn’t the MLM people sharing their ‘wins’ to get you to join their cult. I mean the people who got a promotion, or started a new business, or posted a new recipe. These people are also people who probably acknowledge how awesome it is that they got up and showed up. Because maybe, and I don’t mean to make this dark, there was a time where they almost didn’t. Where they felt low or insecure or just didn’t see the world the way they should.

There is no race in this life, we all end up dead. That isn’t just me trying to make sense of yet another existential crisis, there is a point to this. If you don’t focus on your wins, and the good things, you end up missing out on the reason life is supposed to be enjoyable and purposeful. I noticed that instead of taking the morning to bitch about having to go into work, it is nice to notice that going into work makes a difference. My boss gets this glimmer whether for 2 minutes or 10 minutes to poke his head out and see me at my desk and talk about the weekend, what his daughter is up too, their plans for Martha’s Vineyard. He gets to ask me about my sisters, and the next time I am going to New Jersey. We can sit together and go over the major projects we have this summer. There is a little bit of light in a drafty office that just makes work feel more human. Despite feeling off, and being unground for my commute, I got to get up and showered and put on my favorite dress that was my grandmother’s. I had a couple text messages from people who care enough to tell me to have a good day. The win in itself is that I moved, I got moving, I kept persisting, and I made it to my job. I got to write this piece, and consider how I feel. That is so important.

I have said this a million times, there is a chance, a fear that no one reads my work. That no one sees what I have to say and that this blog does not go anywhere. That I end up getting another job, working that one, and then another, and then I get married have kids take some time off, and next thing I know I am 60 visiting my grandchildren and this website has become all of a hobby. I am coming to terms with the fact that, if this is the case, I hope that someone reads what I say and feels connected. That it is something I am remembered for. That my friends and family have it. They can hear my voice while they read it. And if that’s the worst case scenario that comes from my writing, that really isn’t so bad at all.

Of course, best case is I become famous author, score a podcast company with the spoiler alert: the 3 I am working on. I work corporate for a couple more years then kick back and become a full-on writer like the white girl in Such A Fun Age (if you haven’t read that book you really need to) and if (when) I do, cherish this shit while you can cause I’m about to make y’all pay a subscription… kidding. I’ll still write and share my work and feelings and be who I am. (I almost considered writing in third person for this next sentence, yuck) I want to continue to be who I am, and be a better person every day, I’ve made progress I’m so much better than the girl I was at 23 I’m not going to front, she was like kind of awful sometimes and I am glad I grew up a lot. I mean do you remember you at 23? Or if you’re younger, do you remember you at 17? Probably a freaking nightmare…

I have grown and life though it has its ebbs and flows has gotten better. There have been significant wins, and there have also been smaller wins, and I think its important to celebrate them both. So, whether you are sitting in your car about to go to work, or you just made your morning coffee before you start the day, or you are laying in bed and doing some reading while the shower runs as you wait for the water to get hot. I want you to celebrate the fact that you chose to do something today, because there was definetely a time, where you almost didn’t.