The Undoing: Why The Mistress Never Gets Any Sympathy
Over the weekend I finished the show The Undoing on HBO. If your television has parental locks, or your ex changed their password, or you happen to be a part of Jard Leto’s cult and have only recently returned from your silence retreat: The Undoing is a show about an affluent Doctor being accused of murdering a young woman he was subsequently having an affair with. The show follows his family, more specifically his wife, enduring the high profile case. The cast was incredible, including Nicole Kidman, Hugh Grant, and Donald Sutherland. Plus they had a UK actor play an American role. You know they snappin when they fly people over the pond to switch accents. Nicole Kidman did an incredible job white womaning. You were equally annoyed and proud of her for the entire series. However, I’m not here today to give my review on the show. They’ll receive their flowers and don’t need my opinion on this blog to do so. I am here to talk about how this show surrounded a couple and their struggle to get through a murder, but more importantly, an affair. Yes, I chose my words intentionally. See the young woman in question is bludgeoned to death in her art studio, and even though she had sex with Hugh Grant’s character the night of, and pretty much became eerily attracted with Nicole Kidman, the viewers are almost forced to root solely for Nicole’s character while also finding some reason to like and make excuses for Hugh Grant’s. The truth is, this young woman who couldn’t have been older than 30 started sleeping with her son’s doctor, and it left her lifeless and him on trial. The entire show people are more enamored with the husband and wife getting through it all than the justice of this young woman. The truth is it wasn’t hard for people to rationalize her death and root for the family to stick together. It was almost cringey how people were hoping the husband was innocent. Even though his DNA and semen was found at the crime scene.
The thing is, there are so many famous cases where the husband has killed his wife in an effort to have some sort of freedom. Their story is displayed all over the news 24/7. Shanann Watts, Laci Petterson. It is so easy to feel sorry and be obsessed with the idea of the suburban housewife being murdered. Once it turns out that the husbands were cheating it gets even more unfathomable. These women deserve justice and sympathy, however it almost heightens the anti once the public finds out that there was “another woman in the picture”. Yet, cases where the other woman is murdered does not get nearly as much public attention. As if she were asking for it, the media almost vilifies the mistress and rationalizes the assailant’s reasoning.
Have you heard of the names Patti Adkins, Adea Shabani, Eliza Samiduo, or Erin Corwine? Of course you haven’t. And at least 2 out of the 4 were pregnant by the man they were having an affair with. The truth is after watching The Undoing a shiver was sent up my spine. I even updated my own If I Go Missing File. We live in this weird culture where side chicks are sluts asking for it, and side niggas are lucky men filling in where a woman’s partner lacks. I haven’t been someone’s side-piece per se, but I have definitely been someone’s secret. Not only is it absolutely garbage on the self esteem, and maybe my obsession with True Crime has taken a twisted turn… but I thought to myself. Could I be someone’s liability? And if I was, if something were to happen to me would anyone care..? Or would the truth be, that people secretly thought. “well she had it coming”
In modern media we love to give this angel veil to women when they go missing or are murdered, but the moment it is revealed they have a bit of a murky past, the interest in the story goes down, as if the case is already solved, but the act was justifiable. People will hate the husband more for cheating than “getting rid” of the person he was cheating with to save his own ass.
Men are trash.
Sorry I just got annoyed while writing this. I think the true problem is the ill will double standard men and women have. When men cheat, the other woman in question unbeknownst to her or not, is a slut. Even though more times that none the man is the pursuer, the hunter for lack of a better word. Going out of his way to do things to be with a woman regardless of his public partner. Yet due to girl code, a bullshit law made to connect strangers, the woman is to be blamed for not stopping or knowing better. She is the conniving wench that came between true love.
Give me a fucking break.
Honestly any friends I’ve had that have entertained men that were already…spoken for. Usually start out with the same mindset. Get what you can out of the relationship and keep it pushing. Literally Get that Bread Get that Head and Leave. However occasionally emotions begin to tie in and a bond is built, next thing you know we’re looking for Tarot readings to see if he will “actually leave her.” Most times we know the capacity of the person in question. And truly it takes a special type of love to allow me to have to justify going to hotels once a month and only talking after dark. Cause honey I don’t have the time.
I myself have been the eye of affection of a couple married men before. In my opinion it was entertaining but also insulting. You want me, but not enough to break your marriage. And you love your wife, but not enough to allow her to be the true center of your universe. The man never is vilified the way the woman is. He’s a not shit nigga for about 30 minutes, but the other woman.. minding her own damn business, is a hoe for life. The problem truly is the double standard. When a man cheats it is looked at as purely carnal, and anything that stems from that is the fault of the woman’s emotions. Or there was something about the other woman that was tempting to the man. Not that there may have been something lacking in said man’s partnership. Suddenly the other woman is something that needs to be disposed of, she is this evil hindrance. It’s hypocritical and frankly unfair. Most times when men cheat and get caught they deem the other woman ‘crazy,’ like there was no reason for her to fall in love with him for his pursuing of her. And we have the audacity to take that notion and just…. Run with it. We are totally okay with accepting this idea that the man just ‘didn’t know what he was getting himself into’ and is almost noble if he is willing to do anything to “save his family” from the damage he caused.
There are literally to many extremes. Instead of a man justifying his actions, we as a society have created this new monologue where stealing your man or woman, is this term of endearment or empowerment. However if a woman cheats on a man, her partner is a cuckold. Someone to feel sorry for, and the woman is a whore… the other man? He is looked at as the most dominate figure. That nigga.
Universally, a woman is known to cheat due to the relationship lacking something emotionally. However I am here to tell you as someone who has cheated not once, but twice that isn’t always the case. Both reasons were very different. The first, was because I just wasn’t with the right person. My ex boyfriend Jordan* was so sweet. He was kind and warm and funny. However I was in love with my other ex and would rather be in his 35sq apartment on the Upper East Side then spend a minutes more with my current boyfriend, who had to deal with all of my depression bullshit for the past 3 months. I would consider it emotional cheating, I waited till I was on the Amtrak train to call Jordan* with the news that I didn’t think our relationship would work. I ofcourse was taking the train from Washington DC to New York City, I couldn’t bother to make a stop in between to face him like a real woman. Months later both of my exes by some fucked up ripple in the simulation, ended up hanging out. They were together at Jordan’s* place. My ex called me and I could hear the smile in his voice “I met your little nigga” it was a laugh at Jordan’s* expense. And even I felt a pang of guilt. Of course as I write this I didn’t end up with either of them. I probably shouldn’t have been with Jordan* he bored or annoyed me to some extent, and neither fit my true needs. He was a ghostly representation of what I actually wanted. So in turn I found fulfillment in the people who weren’t emotionally available, but equipped with exactly what I was looking for. However, in this case it’s clear that I was in the wrong. It’s almost easier to vilify me and be impressed by the lovers on the side.
Whenever women show any version of promiscuity whether they are the mistress or the ones doing the cheating they are by far made out to be worse off. The man is almost always looked at as a purely sexual being or so inept that he can’t be to blame whether he is doing the cheated or being cheating on. I’m not justifying stepping out on relationships I’m just shedding light on a truth that no one wants to talk about. You have to be this perfect angel to garner sympathy, even though being a flawed human being is much more relatable. These biases are apparent. We live in a world where we are taught cheating is bad, monogamy is good, and if you’re a woman for some reason or another you deserved it. I just think this narrative is absolutely ridiculous, and I am really sick of seeing that same notion of the other woman involved being this horrible person, whether the nature of the relationship was revealed to her or not. Sometimes I think it just is easier for people though, it’s easier to blame the side chick than to to look into the true image of the lulls of a relationship. It’s easy to not forgive her or understand her position, than hold the man accountable for anything. Its easy to make excuses for her fate, instead of facing what the perpetrator of that fate could be hiding. We just ignore the truth, due to a narrative we are used to abiding by. It’s just easier the hate Becky than to question Beyonce.
Usually I have some sort of morale, but I think the honest truth is this: We need to face ourselves in the relationships we are in. You need to ask yourself if the person you are with really loves you, if they are hiding something from you, if you can truly trust them. You need to also come to terms with the idea that the answers may not always be so obvious. Lastly as a society need to shake this bullshit rhetoric of looking for any fucking reason to deem a woman a whore. We don’t talk about it enough. A woman acting out of the norm is not thinking like a man. She is a person and her actions should be equally accounted for in the same light as the man. Unfortunately I think it will be an extremely long time till we see that type of change. So in the meantime, if you find yourself in a sticky romantic situation.
Watch your back.
