I Was Sad Last Night I’m Okay Now
Tobi Lou is a creative genius and if you haven’t had a chance, I strongly suggest you play that song especially if you are anything like me and happen to live with
~depression~
This is my first time writing in a very long time.
I must say it feels really good to be back.
My sister called me this morning, she was on a plane on her way to Atlanta with her boyfriend. We chatted about their plans, how long she’d be there, light conversation and exchange of I love yous and at the very end she said ever so quietly “You need to write another blog”
I know this sounds like those corny memes where people will quote wild shit their 3 year old kids “say,” that they definitely did not say, “mom I am going to make millions and provide for you because you’re a queen” nut ass shit like that to impress people on Facebook. However I want to note, this conversation with my sister is actually 100% true. In fact had she not said anything I probably would not have started writing today.
Okay, but back to me being depressed.
This morning I woke up and my stomach was flipping lightly, the sun intruded my apartment like the abruptness of the line in Target. I turned around and dug my head in my pillow, maybe if I dig deep enough I’ll go back to the comfort of darkness.
No use.
I had to wake up and I had to face the day.
I felt like I dreamt so much last night, and was awake through all of them, that I was exhausted.
I was sad yesterday. During the day, I lacked a lot of comfortability and confidence. There were a number of reasons, the first was the fact that I drank way to much the night before. The thing is, when you consume heavy alcohol your body has to process that. It isn’t just about the stupid mistake of drunkenly asking about your estranged ex boyfriend, or inquiring about blow as you are fed repetitive shots of 1942, repeating “I am a bad b****” over and over.
Yea that happened
But your body has to process this foreign unhealthy product that your liver needs to consistently clean. So you wake up on a Monday, your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth, your pores reeking of liquor, your make up lazily wiped off of your face, and the sound of silence so peaceful yet so loud because its mixed in with confusion and concern. What the fuck was last night?
So my Monday consequently consisted of me licking my wounds, binging episodes of College Hill and eating chipotle. I felt low, I didn’t like that I wasted my day, I didn’t like all the things I spoke about the night before, or everything I had done. I honestly felt like I was going backwards from all the progress I made. See someone like me needs routine, I need pattern and consistency. I work overtime these days to protect my peace and energy. So, when anything ruptures that, or gets close to it, I kind of go into… self destruction mode. It’s a very robotic tendency.
I feel like others with depression can resonate with this. A slight inconvenience can be a major trigger depending on, well depending on anything, weather, time of the year, a memory.
So Monday was a slow one for me. I told myself I just wanted to be alone I didn’t want to talk anyone, I didn’t want to hear anything, think about anything. My mind is consistently buzzing and at this point I really didn’t want to drown in my thoughts. So I made it silent. I didn’t text or call people back, I canceled meetings I had. I spent the better half of the day on my couch.
What I thought was a self meditating mini vacation day seemed off. I wasn’t at peace taking the day, I was taking the day to find peace. Avoiding how I felt and avoiding communicating with anyone because I was afraid I would be triggered and put in an even heavier state. When I realized this, and the fact that if I didn’t address it, this behavior could make its wear into the entire week, I decided to embrace how I was feeling. Every thought in my head, I would observe and address. If there is one bit of advice I can give you, it is to address how you feel, don’t suppress it. It is kind of like putting a lid over boiling water, eventually it will combust and overflow, and you’ll be left burned. However, if you take the lid off, you can use the water for something useful.
I knew the things that were bothering me, and if I took the time to explain them in this blog, then Marissa my therapist would be down a patient, so I’ll just say this: I decided to acknowledge what was upsetting me, and when I did so they weren’t so scary or so bad. I actually had the motivation to get the fuck up and not let these feelings way me down any longer. I got up and took my dog for a walk. Thank God she had to pee too, cause that sun did wonders for me.
Do y’all know how mf beneficial the sun is???? I am dead ass, let me break writer character for a second to express this: the sun is chock full of vitamin D, which helps regulate the amount of calcium and phosphate in the body. These nutrients are needed to keep bones, teeth and muscles healthy. Sunlight reduces your stress, fights off depression, maintains your body, and can help keep weight off. The sun is your friend baby, and you need to bask in it. I promise you, if you spend even 10 minutes outside you’re going to feel overjoyed. Its why pets love running out any moment they get. I came back feeling, motivated. I hopped in the shower. Let me tell you something, I know you may feel sad, you may be feeling low, but you have to bathe. Trust me, I have been there, where you just don’t want to move, and you may even kind of like the smell.. yea I said it, sometimes mustiness is comforting.
BUT YOU NEED TO MF BATHE.
You need to get into the shower and cover yourself with smells you like, wash your hair, scrub your face, feel the water on your skin like a hug from God. Listen to music, be in a music video, cry after being so happy when you were outside. When you get out you’ll feel accomplished, you’ll feel better, you’ll feel clean.
After I showered, I talked to someone who makes me feel good. I didn’t rush to answer other messages. Sometimes we get this shitty obligation to reply to others, which can make us feel like we’re suffocating. So, I talked to the person I’ve been dating. He just makes me feel good. He’s one of my closest friends and knows me well enough where I don’t have to feel ashamed. His aura gives me the comfort I appreciate. So, we talked, and I worked on my emails that I missed during the day. The small tasks made me feel accomplished.
I went to bed early last night, and woke this morning, it’s ironic as I write this Bounce Back Big Sean began to play.
I felt the remanence of the depression and anxiety still trickled. That is the thing with depression, it isn’t always an over night thing. Even though I went to bed feeling better it doesn’t mean that I am completely myself. However, I am doing what I can to take back control. So, this morning I woke up, I walked my dog, I thanked God, I thanked him for allowing me to wake up again, I thanked him for my ability to see, hear, write, smell, walk. I thanked him for my sisters, and I thanked him for my mother and father. I thanked him for how good my day was going to be. I reminded myself my affirmations,
- I don’t chase I attract
- I feel safe I feel seen
- I am worthy
- I am loved
- I am happy
- I am evolving
I took my shower, I got ready for the day, I reminded myself how FINE I AM cause gahh damn. I journaled, how I felt, I wrote 10 things to manifest, 10 things I can do to be better. I went to work, I blasted music and I danced. I listened to music that made me FEEL GOOD. Turn that sad shit off, I know Driver’s License and Leave the Door Open are bangers. But you are a gem and you need some feel goods to get through the day.
That is what I am doing today, getting through it, and working through it, and rebuilding my pattern. So please know, that you can and will too.
Last night I took an L, but today I bounce back.
Now get up and get going, you strong person.
Playlist to help:
8illy – You Woke up and decided today you’re the shit
Casey Strelow - Don’t test me, I’ll slash 3 of your tires
Alyse Thornton- lil bitch
