Heartbreaks and Setbacks

I’m best when I’m broken-hearted

I was going to write a piece about love today. But Fuck that.

Let’s get to the goals

Or the money as the shallow souls say 

Let’s get to the dreams 

Let’s talk about getting your life in order 

I’m so tired of those love sick blogs, preparing for your next special someone, or reminding you of things quite frankly you already know. And I get it, they’re a great niche. I write about romance myself, but sometimes I feel like we get so caught up on the idea of falling in love with someone else that we forget how important it is to love ourselves. I mean loving yourself so deeply, not because you’re trying to manifest something, or are waiting for someone else to pick up the slack of loving you. I am realizing the older I get that it is imperative that I love myself and give myself to me as much as I can because no one else will. And no one else should. 

Any of the times I loved another person or chose another person over myself I was crushed. That’s sinical, but boyfriend number 1 and 2 can attest to me proving my worth by the amount of times they intimately acknowledged my existence. Best friends from high school  and college can speak to the times I was needy and co dependent. Boss number 4 can address how I was willing to bend over backwards to make their life easier even though I was diminishing mine. I realized though in all those heartbreaks, because heartbreak isn’t just between boyfriend and girlfriend, it can come in all forms. I always came out better on the other end.

I honestly am at my best when my hearts just been crushed. During it, I just turn into this different person. There’s the sad and sorry for myself phase, there’s the grief, but there is also this like chemical change. A metamorphosis of a better version of me that seems so far away because I’m so wrapped up in this depressive cocoon that I have no idea the immense impact and change that is coming for me. I cry a lot, until I don’t. I have so many chaotic thoughts and the there’s silence. I have no appetite, but I’m hungry.I become a savage. This unrecognizable and quite frankly beautiful being that emerges from the shell of the battered version of myself. I focus on my work, I focus on myself, my dreams, my plans. I just give off this vibe like I’m on my way to something major. 

 I have not become heartless, my heart is on pause. 

And as I begin to feel better, I began to be better. I have this fire inside of me that says ‘I am so much more than the pain I'm feeling right now.’

 No one is forever or permanent. Not even you.  But you are your most reliable source.Sometimes I feel like we kind of underestimate ourselves and what exactly we're capable of, and just how important our growth is especially when we really don't feel like growing.

 I've come to realize anything that I've really put my heart and soul into, anything that I honestly said that I wanted, I've been able to obtain. It might not have been in the time frame that I wanted, it might not have come in the version that I assumed, but the one good thing about my necessity to plan is that I end up going in a direction that was probably better than what I had even imagined for myself.

If 15 year old me knew what 27 year old me was doing right now I’d like to think that she’d would be pretty impressed. I’d honestly probably be pretty surprised too. Looking back at the heartache that I felt then, if it wasn't my parents divorce, it was the unrequited love of a 17 year old lacrosse player. They may sound small, and honestly the me now would agree they were. But at that time my problems felt like they were larger than my heart could bare. They represented by fear of abandonment and confusion on what it really meant to see love and be loved. These small intimate moments were crashing around in my teenage head, that I had no idea would impact me to the point of presenting a new power inside of me that would metabolize every time I felt let down or had a heart ache.

 There is nothing sexier than a woman scorn.

 I am learning to be grateful for every time something doesn't go my way, and by that I mean I think that I'm at the end of my rope, or I've been disappointed, or I've been hurt. I’ve learned to be grateful that I am just alive. The aching pain I may be going through  that feels like it's going to be irreversible and is in this exponential time frame where I'm just stuck. I'm so stuck until I'm not. And then things change. They change for the better.

I feel like I can't be the only one who’s had a hard time and yet miraculously came out on the other end OK. And so, I really want to talk about that small turn in life. That week or day where you realize that things are getting to a place where you want them to be. I know how frustrating it is to hear your time is coming, while simultaneously not comparing yourself to the perfect couple that you see, or your friend with the dream job, or someone who did you wrong who should be a lot worse off, because isn’t that how karma is supposed to work?

 Change is coming. It’s making the time you’re waiting worth while that matters.

I noticed before my very eyes, plans that I have created are slowly starting to take a different shift, or could possibly go in a different route, or on different timing than I imagined. I'd like to just remember this moment. Where I'm sitting alone at my desk and looking out the window. It's 7:00 o'clock PM on the dot and I know the sun is going to set soon, because it's spring, but not quite summer. I realize then I'm about to step into another aspect of my life, another level, another version, another chapter and it may not be exactly the way I would have had it written. There's a very strong chance it won't be the way I have envisioned, but I have no doubt that all the things that I'm wishing for, all the things that I'm wanting for, all the things that I'm working towards are going to come true in some way or nature.

And even on those days where it's really hard to believe. Where I've overslept and my alarm clock is the most annoying sound on the planet, where I look at my body fresh out the shower and I'm not necessarily pleased, when I think about the love that is lost or at-risk, where I'm sitting behind a desk at a job making money for someone who isn't myself, where I'm writing my 30th blog post and I still haven't gotten the traction that I know it deserves. The days that I don't necessarily want to believe. I don't have to, but what I won't do is doubt.

I don't settle, I won't make excuses, I'm just going to keep going. Because that's the thing about change, and something new, it doesn't just come to you on a silver platter. If it came that easy you wouldn’t want it that badly.